09/29/05, 7:13pm.
This summer I hear the drummin', four dead in Ohio...
I have been slacking big time when it comes to updating this website. I have temporarily switched back to LiveJournal for my journalling needs. It's such a nice interface. And I have some good icons that I like to associate with my entries.

Mommy made me ginger snaps. Daddy flies in on Saturday. Big weekend.

Current Music: Ohio - Crosby, Stills, Nash, and Young

09/21/05, 10:26pm.
...
It's been raining here for three days straight thanks to Rita. I'm getting tired of my feet getting wet...because frankly a little rain will not stop me from wearing flip-flops. Tomorrow I'm going to my mom's...under the pretenses of getting a tan (I'm pasty!) but if the rain keeps up, it'll be a bit of a bust.

Three tests down, one more to go. Stats was harder than I thought it was going to be, but still pretty easy. American History was tougher...I wrote too much and started running out of time to finish my essay properly. Bugger. Hopefully I'll be alright though. Tonight was Art of Cinema which was the easiest by far. It helps that I knew everything we learned in class already (plus some). NOt to mention that it was multiple choice. Apparently UCF has this thing where almost every test is multiple choice and you have to buy your own Scantrons (classes require a specific color, so don't buy brown if the professor wants "Raspberry"). Kinda bizzare if you as me. But my Stats and Film test were both multiple choice. And my Art History test tomorrow will be as well. So odd, but it's a lot easier. I can deduce and don't have to memorize as many specifics.

I've said it before...but UCF is easier than Indiana. And Indiana wasn't that hard. Three more years.

Well, I have a bit of a headache, so I'm going to attempt to get some sleep. I've been sleeping like shit the past couple nights, although I haven't been having weird dreams, which is an upside, I suppose.

Current Music: A Tale (Chilluminati Mix) - Cirque du Soleil.

09/17/05, 12:17am.
...
Is it possible to have a mid-life crisis at (almost) 21?

Current Music: None.

09/16/05, 10:14am.
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing." I am not worried...
I think we all know I'm a little cynical.

Well, replace "a little" with "quite."

And when talking about relationships and marriage? Take out the adverb altogether.

So when I heard about Renee Zellweger and Kenny Chesney splitting up after 4 months of marriage, well, I wasn't overly sympathetic. In fact, as I was reading the blurb on IMDb, after coming to the line that says, "It was the first marriage for both," I thought: It's good that they got it over with now.

Because in Hollywood, the trend is not to find the person of your dreams and stay together forever. In fact, I'd say that it is impossible if both parties are involved in the entertainment industry. Whether actors, performers, supermodels...relationships are doomed from the beginning. Because it's hard and it's trying, and even people who might actually be in "love" can't handle it. So the longevity of relationships goes down. I suppose it's the same for the travelling business man and his equally successful, on-demand doctor wife, but they don't get featured in the papers when they split.

Back to the issue at hand, I think it's better for Renee and Kenny this way. Now they don't have to deal with competing schedules and they can start looking for their next conquest. I'm definitely not proporting just getting married to have knoched on the belt, and maybe by the time you get to Elizabeth Taylor status, you should just give up and deside it's better to die alone...but I think it's hard to know after a year, or even two of dating to know if you can live with this person for the rest of your life. And some of those who are super-pro-marriage and anti-divorce will say that they should have thought about it before getting married, and further, they should work at the marriage before jumping to divorce. But maybe they did. Or maybe they realized that it was useless. Or maybe they didn't want it to work out. They had stamped out the "time of death" and are leaving it be, because you can't bring something back from the dead. Besides is there any use of staying together if it just causes pain and anguish?

The next step for both of them is to find someone small-time. A "girl-next-door" like Matt Damon, or a cameraman like Julia Roberts. Someone without their name in lights. And someone who is incredibly patient and understanding, and you better grovel at their feet and shower them with gratefulness because it's hard to be the one in the shadows.

And now, I need to do laundry and shower and pluck the catepillers disguising themselves as "eyebrows." After that, the day is open. Maybe I'll run into Kenny Chesney and become his "girl-next-door." Hey...it could happen.

Current Music: Anna Begins - Counting Crows (in head)

09/14/05, 10:54pm.
Go ahead, you can laugh all you want to...
So I've been using my LiveJournal a bunch more, though it's usually very odd and random comments and observations. I guess this site is really for everything else. There's a very clear division in my head of what material stays on *poofgone* and what goes on LJ. Though it is a bit confusing, because really...my mind is not well organized and that "clear division" can be pretty fuzzy.

I think I'm reverting back to a younger self. Today, I watched Lilo and Stitch 2: Stitch Has a Glitch, which came from Netflix. That's not a huge deal, because really...I watch Disney movies from time to time. And this one is new, so I pushed it ahead on my queue. But last night, I watched Alice in Wonderland right before going to bed (which could explain my fucked up dreams I mention on LJ) and later I found myself watching "Lizzie McGuire" on the Disney channel. Now, I'll admit that I like Gordo, and Lizzie isn't bad when she's not being whiney (which goes away in the later seasons). But there's something about a 20-year-old watching a show that her 9-year-old niece watches that's just a little off. I'm sure there are plenty of explanations for this, and my psychiatrist would probably have a field day with this information (she's nuts), but I think it's nice to act like a child again, even if only for a few hours.

But it's a bit more complicated than that, I think. It's a contradiction, and if you look around my room, or take a look as my books, DVDs, music, clothes, anything I own and there's a definite battle between sophistication and childhood. Hemingway and Harry Potter share the same shelf. Pictures of Paris and Rome don the same walls as my Fantasia 2000 prints. I have knickknacks of Rex from Toy Story and Hello Kitty on the same shelves as cookbooks and credit card bills. I sleep with stuffed animals and my blankie. Aside from watching the Disney channel, I tuned into shows on PBS ("American Heritage: Fatal Flood") and the History Channel ("Modern Marvels").

I also applied for some jobs today. I don't like to talk about these things, because I become overly disappointed when I don't get interviews or the jobs, so meh. That's all you're going to hear about that.

Finally: Evolution Schmevolution. I *heart* The Daily Show.

Current Music: Philosophy - Ben Folds

09/11/05, 5:54pm.
We'd like to help you learn to help yourself...
I have very recently started to wonder if my flagrant anti-sociality is something about which to be concerned. It's one thing to not go out of your way to make friends with roommates...it's an entirely different scenario to go out of your way to avoid them. It's not that I don't like them...it's just that I hate small talk and bullshit stuff like that. Last night I did a rent.com search for one bedroom apartments so that make next year I can actually live solo.

But that just pulls me further into seclusion. And soon, I'm going to be the crazy cat lady with no friends, no family, just cats. And when I die, they will eat me (just like on the CSI episode).

So that's extreme, but still. As it is, I shop on my own, go to movies on my own, occasionally go to restaurants on my own. Today I went to EPCOT on my own. And "on my own" is just a nicer way of saying "alone." Yesterday, I was so unenthused with the idea of spending a day in my apartment with my roommates, that I packed a bag and drove two hours to my Mom's house, where I stayed for the night. While one of the reasons is my loud roommate (she has company over until midnight most nights, and again at 8am on weekends), I'm sure that's just an excuse.

To make matters worse, the only friends I talk to regularly are Caitlin and Zoe...and Zoe is in Luxembourg for the semester. And Caitlin (I love you, dear) can be very dismissive...but I don't mind (which doesn't bother me as much as it should). I have no friends! And it doesn't even matter.

Current Music: Mrs. Robinson - Simon & Garfunkel

09/04/05, 10:22pm.
...
Paris au printemps me manque.

Alors, Paris toujours me manque.

I miss Paris. I just finished watching L'Auberge Espagnole (translates as: The Spanish Apartment) and it makes me miss Europe so much. The culture, the history, the language, the sights, the sounds. I want to be back. More than I can even say.

I actually started pricing flights. But it's not practical anymore. I've done that once, and I'm still paying off my debts.

I've got the itch. It needs to be scratched.

Current Music: None.

09/04/05, 10:22pm.
And love doesn't hurt, so I know I'm not falling in love, I'm just falling to pieces...
It's been a bit of a long weekend, but good. It's becoming progressively harder to separate myself from "vacation" and concentrate on "school." I haven't been in classes since last December. So that's a long time off, and it really got me in the habit of "real life" where you don't necessarily bring work home with you. My job over the summer was a Monday through Friday, 9 to 3, very scheduled...but no work to take home or stress over. I'm not in the practice of having so much free time (around classes) and then homework.

To add insult to injury, I'm in Florida. It's hot and sunny and a vacation state. I come home to my mom's house for a weekend and it's like a party. Well, today we did have a Labor Day cook-out, but even without. We talk about going to zoos and Disney World, and it seems absurd that I would have to think about obligations while kicking back with a peach mixed drink.

Then reality sets in and I remember that, despite my classes being pretty easy, I do have work for them and I am expected to do it. Bugger. The upside? I have made a decision that I am done with college. I will not change my major. I will graduate is as few semesters as possible. I don't care what comes next, or how scary that is, I am done. I'll find a real life job and work my ass off there for as many years as they will allow me.

Until then...nose to the grindstone, but only enough to pass (which, of course, implies at the LEAST a B-average). I'm not killing myself to do Statistics when my concentration is Cinema Studies. I'm not beating myself up for American History when I should be worried about Art History. And future professions? Not a concern right now. I need to get on with my life.

Speaking of life...my sister Emily and her husband Tom are house hunting right now. They plan to move to the Spring Hill area (near my Mom) next Spring when their apartment gets turned into a condo. At that point, I will be the only siblings who doesn't own a house. Granted, I'm only 20 (soon to be 21) but I am not a homeowner, and everyone else is. Chris has a house (and two kids to go with it), Dave and Katie have a house (with two dogs...trying for the kids), and Fayanne and Brad even have a house. Maybe you don't see the implications here, but a house means a mortgage, and a mortgage means a 30 year commitment. They might not know what's head, but they have a fuzzy ground plan, that in the next 30 years...they will be living and working near that one place. I don't even know where I will be next summer.

Furthermore, there is that icky subject of relationships. While I seems to be a bit inept in general, it doesn't help that everyone else is married/dating/has family. I'm a loner again, in so many ways. I was the youngest and always behind in everything. I am again. I'm at a school where I know no one. I don't have any friends there at all. My facebook profile says it all when under "Gail's UCF Friends" it says: Gail has no friends as UCF. So I've gotten to this point in my life when I'm striking out on my own. And it's a bit scary, but mostly it's frustrating. I see that at the end of this race, I should be hand-in-hand with someone, a person with whom to build a life. But right now, all I'm seeing is a dark and scary path, and I'm looking for someone to hold a goddamn lantern for me.

By the way, I'm not letting myself watch another romantic comedy for at least a week. They talk of love, and that ache when you almost lose it. That ache that hurts so bad, you wish you would die...but you'd rather have it than not at all. And I think to myself, "I can't remember the last time I ached like that. I'm cold. I'm empty. I'm alone."

Current Music: Wreck of the Day - Anna Nalick

09/01/05, 7:38pm.
I'm searching for some kind of miracle, waiting so long...
Another new month and suddenly we're into the final third of 2005. Time flies.

I am currently residing at my mother's house, again. It's a long weekend, so I figured this is a better place to spend it. Especially with Emily and Tom coming in on Saturday. So, a family weekend. Probably not going to be very productive.

Classes are okay. American History is super boring, so far. I want to get into the meaty stuff of the 20th Century like the World Wars and the Suburbia/Sexual Revolution that followed. Statistics sucks, but it's been easy so far. Thank god. Art History makes me want to impale myself on a dull trash can. I've never been able to get into Ancient art of the Sumerians, etc, and it doesn't help that my professor has the worst, screechy, New York accented voice ever. It's like Janice from Friends. Painful. My Art/Film class isn't too bad. Really elementary stuff that is kinda beyond me, but I see it as an opportunity to see films I haven't gotten around to until now. All revolving around art in some way (Kurosawa's Dreams, Frida, Vincent and Theo, etc).

Then there is my Film/Film class. With which I am in love. The professor is funny, and I feel like I know more than most of the class...for whom it's probably a first film class. It's okay...I still feel exceptionally smart. I almost brought up the Paramount Decision of 1948 and vertical integration, but I thought it would be a little off topic. Last night we watched Rear Window. In case you didn't know...I *heart* Alfred Hitchcock. And I don't use that expression. But it's the only thing that can describe how my heart swells when I think about some of the best films every created. Notorious, Rebecca, To Catch a Thief...*swoon*. Hitchcock is my hero.

So yes. Of the good. I'm going to see if any of my homework has been posted online. Maybe I can get a nice head-start.

Happy Labor Day, all.

Current Music: Beautiful Disaster - Kelly Clarkson