29/09/04, 20h38.
...
Je deteste ma classe de franÁais. Je n'aime pas lire les contes ou les nouvelles, et surtout pas la poËsie en franÁais...mais c'est tout que nous avons fait. Et tout que nous ferons! ARG!

Et ce soir, j'essaie d'ecrire un composition au poème "L'homme et la Mer"...qui a 16 vers. Mon composition devrais avoir 4 à 5 pages!

Le franÁais est stupid. Comme moi.

La musique maintenant: Rien, pour me concentrer.

09/26/04, 11:25pm.
...
You know how they say that you can't turn back time? Well, it's one of those things that everyone knows is true. Duh. Of course we can't go back and we can't just go back in time. And yet it's something that we assume we can do at anytime. We can always go home, right?

Wrong. You can't always go home, and even if you get back to a house that you once concidered a "home," what is it that you actually wanted to get back to? Whatever it was, you can't have it. It's impossible.

This may seem very simple to those of you who have already grasped the concept, and for those who haven't, you brush it off and pretend to know what I'm talking about. I can't go back "home" again, and not just because my parents are selling their house. It's because home to me meant being around my friends, the people I have always loved the most. And yet, now most of us are at college. And some have moved out from our parent's houses, and soon we will all be living different lives in new places and we will not be in touch with the same people we were five years ago, or even two years ago. Because things change drastically.

I'm at the point in my life where I have to let go of the past. And that will mean letting go of people with whom I was once friends. And that will mean caring less about friends and more about money and a future. And that will mean trying to be content with whatever happens in my life, and trying desperately not to compare it to how life used to be. I can't keep wishing that I felt the way I did a few years ago, and at the same time, I can't expect to feel the way I do now in the future.

Nothing is for sure past the instant in which we live. We can't depend, count on or hope for anything, because we have no idea what the future will be like. Each new second is completely unpredictable. One second is all it takes for life to be created or taken away. A second is all it takes to break an arm or win the lottery. Knowing that in the next second...something supremely terrible, or wonderful can happen that will change your life forever. So why do we think we can control our life?

Basically...this has been a pretty heavy post, and I'm sorry. But it's come from a lot of things I've been thinking about recently.
One: that people who "plan" their lives...going this place for grad school, getting married at this age, having this many kids...just fucking piss me off. How do you know you'll even get to grad school? And what if your perfect husband is sterile and can't give you children? Dumb bitches.
Two: I miss a lot of friendships I've had with people who have since gone their own ways. I want to drive around singing loudly along with Evita, or hang out in basements and watch movies.
Three: I don't know where I'm going to live come December, January, next June...
Four: how does one go about severing ties? Is it something that should be done all at once, or in phases? Start by deleting phone numbers and email addresses of certain people, and letting it progress until you're down to the 4 people you care enough to call and talk to on a regular basis?
Five: who am I going to call when there are mice in my closet? Where's my neighbor with the cat I can borrow to kill them, and the friend who loves me enough to clean up after it?

I think I need to get away for a while. Or a long time. Go lay out on a beach somewhere for a year or two...and then see what I can do with my life. If only everything in the world didn't revolve around money. Or conversely, if only I had money to live off of. What I wouldn't give to be the heir of some wonderful inheritence. But you can't choose your parents, so just fuck it all.

Current Music: Nothing.

09/22/04, 7:28pm.
Be a simple man...
I'm so going over my minutes this month. I've talked for long times to Allie, Zoe and Caitlin. But it's all good.

I'm going home this weekend to help the parents pack up the house. Should be odd. But whatever. I leave tomorrow after my class. I'm home by 1pm, so I should be on the road by 2 and home by 6:30pm. Roxors.

BTW: I want to win my own island from Capital One. And I have to stop watching so much TV. All week it's been MTV (Real World rocks my socks), WB, and VH1. Damn those countdowns.

And now...dinner is ready to be picked up.

Current Music: Simple Man - Lynyrd Skynyrd

09/17/04, 3:48pm.
...
I just bought a plane ticket to Paris.

[!!!!!!!]

Oh god.

Next step...tell my parents. Then...find lodging for a month. Oy.

Current Music: One Bad Trip on the tv in the living room.

09/17/04, 11:11am.
We never understood the words, we just sang 'la-la-la-la-la-la-lala-lala'...
Silver City a new film by John Sayles, which is suppose to have combined elements of Robert Altman's Nashville and Roman Polanski's Chinatown is playing at three theatres within a 15 mile radius of Deerfield, IL. Including Rivertree...so cheap.

And yet, it's not playing within 30 miles of Indianapolis, IN. GET ME OUT OF BUMBLEFUCK!!!! For love of god and all that is holy.

The upside is that I don't have Friday class, so I just slept in until 11am. Ah, sweet. And I will be seeing Wimbledon later today. It's only playing at two theatre in the 30-mile vacinity of Bloomington. Want to know how many it's playing at in the 30-mile vacinity of Deerfield? 34.

Current Music: We Danced Anyway - Deana Carter

09/16/04, 7:23pm.
...
So maybe my sketchy updating has become a norm, but this time there was a reason! My hard drive died. It was sad. I was without computer for a week. I have run up to the Apple store in Indy (120 miles round-trip) three times in the past week. But it's back and beautiful as always. While many important things were saved, like my documents and my applications...all of my music is gone, as were my saved email (the latter which was to be expected). But my music! All I have to say is thank god for external hard drives and iPods. I should recover about 80% of my files...if not more. Plus I suppose I have CDs for most of it.

Oh, and I posted this is my livejournal while Jack was on hiatus...go out and see The Barbarian Invasions. Now. Rent or download, I don't care...just see it.

Current Music: Silence. Oy.

09/05/04, 2:59am.
And Iíve never found a way to say I love you, but if the chance came by...oh, I would...
Good night. We went to Annie and Lauren's where first we watched Rocky Horror Picture Show, followed by a lovely dinner of feticuni (sp?) alfredo. Then we put on Boondock Saints...so fucking good. After that, we whipped out the hukah (sp?) and guitar and had some fun smoking Jasmine and singing along to our favorite songs from Ani, Jason Mraz, BNL and The Eagles...to name a few. Notable highlight: Singing "Hotel California" with call-outs, Rocky Horror-style. Hot shit. And now, it's late, so I'm off to bed. Goodnight dear, cruel world. You bi-polar bitch.

What is love, where did it get me? Whoever thought of love is no friend of mine.

Current Music: Iowa - Dar Williams (in head)

09/02/04, 11:28pm.
Comes back and makes me catch her everytime she falls...
Updating by popular demand. Or Caitlin called me today and said that she didn't know what I was doing with my life anymore. So darling...this one's for you. ;-)

Classes are going pretty well. I'm down to five (15 credit hours) which is the lightest classload I've had yet. I think I'll enjoy it though. Picasso is interesting, Kubrick rocks and we'll hope I get into the class before the waitlist falls through. Stage Management is going to be fun. I'm working on the show Wanda June and we're reading House and Garden in class...so good is had. My professor for my comp. lit. class rocks. He's a middle-aged Italian man who could pass for Mafia if his accent were less Italian and more New York. French is alright...the prof is a bit psycho, but what do you expect from a foreign language?

The past couple days I've been trying to motivate myself to get my transfer applications done. I'm really close to submitting DePaul and UIC, so it'll be nice to have that off of my chest. I'm also trying to decide if I should put myself out there and apply to AUP...American University of Paris. That's right, I'd be studying overseas in Paris...at an institution where classes are taught in English. They have a Film Studies major and minors in Art History and French studies. It's perfect. And it's France. But it's expensive, and tiny, so I'll probably get rejected. *sigh* Nothing wrong with trying, right? Hell, I have no real home right now, I may as well live in Europe for the rest of my college education.

Other than that, I've been doing apartment stuff. Used the dishwasher for the first time tonight, and I've been taking out garbage and getting the mail, etc. Nice to be on my own. More so than the dorms, at least. I've also been working on keeping my finances in order now that the bills are being paid out of my pocket.

I've also been watching a lot of Sex and the City. In fact, all 8 episodes of season five. Next, I'll flash back to season four, because that's when Aidan (John Corbett) was on. And he's adorable. Oh, and Cynthia Nixon is my hero. I want to BE Miranda when I grow up. Seriously.

So yeah. Working hard, or hardly working? I guess that's up to you to decide...

Current Music: She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5