10/31/04, 10:38pm.
Cast me gently into morning, for the night has been unkind...
Happy Halloween, and all that jazz. Tomorrow marks the beginning of November. Finally. I love the month of November...and not just because it means that in 5 days, I get to celebrate my 20th birthday. But Thanksgiving means I get a week off, in Boston, with Zoe, Caitlin, Amanda and Allie. Ask me how fucking excited I am. And November puts me that much closer to December, which means the end of school. So many positives. Finally.

Anyway...the weekend was very long and eventful (in a good way), so instead of writing it all out again, I'll give the Cliff's Notes version...the email I sent my mom today.

Hey Mom and Dad -
I wanted to call yesterday to see how everything was going, but I didn't get a chance. My weekend has been so hectic!

Because I didn't have class on Friday, and I woke up pretty early (of course I've been having trouble sleeping lately), I went grocery shopping early in the morning (9:30am). I ended up spending a lot of money...it's insane how quickly we go through food in this apartment. And my roommates are usually too lazy or busy to go shopping, so I just decided to buy a ton and have them each reimburse me money. So far for the semester, I've spent $300 on groceries (it's been 10 weeks). I know for a fact that Katie has spent less than $100, so I figure that just assuming everything will even out is not going to happen, and it's time to start getting some money back.

The rest of Friday I did laundry, and some house cleaning. Just straightening up, taking out the trash and running the dishwasher...nothing too big. I got a call from Lela around 4pm saying that she was going to fly in for the weekend, and asking what time it would be the most convenient for her to get here so that someone could pick her up. So she booked a flight that would get in at 9pm. But then about an hour later, the flight was canceled, and there were no other available flights that night, and even the train was sold out. She decided she still wanted to come, so she took a flight that got in at 8:15am on Saturday.

Friday night, Zoe and Tony (her boyfriend) came in. It was excellent to see Zoe again...I definitely miss my friends from home when I'm here. And Tony's really sweet. I hope they can stay together. That night, we just hung out and watched a couple movies.

Because no one else would, I woke up at 6:45 Saturday morning, and I picked up Annie so the two of us could drive to Indy and get Lela. I was supposed to be at rehearsal at 10am to help the Stage Manager out with some things, but I told her I couldn't make it until the actual call (which was at 1pm). It was actually a really good car ride there and back...over an hour each way. And we stopped for McDonald's breakfast on the return trip. I would say that Annie and Lela are my best friends here, and Lela isn't really here anymore and Annie lives kinda far away, so it's hard to see her a lot. Crazy.

Anyway, we got back into Bloomington at 10:30 and Zoe and Tony had woken up, so the five of us sat around chatting for a while. Then I had to get ready for rehearsal and leave at 12:15 so that I could be there early, as I'm required to be. The entire time I was there, I felt so guilty because I couldn't entertain my guests. And it was Homecoming, so the cast didn't really want to be there either. The director was really sympathetic, but we still went all the way until 5pm. When I got home, there were 10 people in the apartment, so a whole bunch of us went to Chili's for dinner. Later, a bunch of people went to parties for homecoming and Halloween, but Zoe, Tony and I just hung around and relaxed.

The next morning (this morning) Lela had to be at the airport at 7:15am. Of course, no one else would drive her...so I again got the honors of waking up early (6am, this time) and I had only gone to bed at 2. I got back at 8:30 and went back to sleep until noon when Tony and Zoe left. I had to immediately get up and go to rehearsal, I had some stuff to do before it started. So I just got home now. I was going to call, but my phone battery has been dying and I would probably have gotten cut off.

Well, that was my weekend. I still wish I could have been up there with you. I haven't checked the mail since Friday morning...so the past couple day's haven't made it into the apartment. It's quieter here today, but we have still have a few people in and out visiting. I'll definitely be getting to bed early tonight, I need to catch up on sleep. I'll email or call again soon.

Yep, so that's about it. Except for this final question: when do we snap out of the "me" phase? I suppose inherently, everything we do is selfish, but when does it become "what can I do for the good of all" than "what would benefit me the most?" I mean, this is my website, so I can be a bit selfish. And maybe I'm already trying to benefit the group...but what if the group isn't ready to do things to benefit me? What then?

I don't know if anyone ever really snaps out of the "me" phase. Maybe we all are three years old on the inside.

Current Music: Answer - Sarah McLachlan

10/28/04, 10:14pm.
I've never lost anything I've ever missed, but I've never been in love like this...
When did being a student take precedent over being a daughter/sister/aunt?

If you know me at all, you know that school work often takes the backseat to things as trivial as sleep or good television. I have 80 more pages to read for French class, but if I go to bed now, I get 8 hours of sleep... This happened two nights ago...and I slept.

So tonight, I watched CSI. My sister Chris and I used to watch it together every Thursday night. I would drive to her apartment, she'd make dinner for us and Zoe. Then she and I would watch the new episode. So tonight after I watched it, I felt compelled to email her.

It certainly wasn't missing CSI that made me think about family obligations, but something I said to her in the email. "Have a good night and weekend. I wish I could come up for the parent's move. It kills me that I'm stuck down here for all of it. I just have to keep telling myself that in 7 weeks, I'll be "home." Whatever that is."

This weekend, my parent's are starting their long moving process. First, by moving all of their furniture and necessary living items to an apartment. [The rest will be either trashed in a dumpster or packed for Florida.] So this weekend, Fayanne is coming up to help them move, and Dave, Emily and Chris will be around too. But not me. I'm stuck here in Indiana. And I wasn't exaggerating when I said it kills me. I think right now I would give just about anything to be able to go there for the weekend. Yes, Zoe and her boyfriend are coming to Bloomington this weekend...but I'd cancel it. I have rehearsal Saturday and Sunday...and I would miss them. But I'd fail Stage Managing.

I wish I could drop Stage Managing...because then I wouldn't have rehearsals every weekend...and I could go home. Every weekend, if necessary. But I can't drop, because then I'm not a full time student. And then I think that I should just drop it all completely so I can go home at the time when I am needed most. And when I need them most. But I've already spent so much money on this semester, and it could fuck up my transferring. I should be there though. And I'm here. 280 miles away.

Seven weeks. It's becoming my mantra. I couldn't come soon enough. I can't be here anymore. I feel like there's so much I should be doing, and helping with...but I'm in bumblefuck Indiana. I hate this. By the time I get out of here, there's only 2 and a half months before Mom goes down to Florida. Too much moving. Help.

Current Music: Shameless - Garth Brooks

10/27/04, 9:38am.
...
The disheartened battleground.

That's my title for this. I don't know why I decided to give it a title, but it seemed necessary.

This is a direct quote from my roommate's blog: "I ended up taking a big bite out of my roommate Gail's head over the stupid stuff roommates always fight about (a.k.a. cleaning). I don't think we're talking, but I haven't tried so I'm not sure." He conveniently deleted the next line (after I had read it yesterday) which stated: "I don't really care though because she's been a big fat biotch lately."

Not that I care if he wrote it, or further deleted it. I don't want anyone to censor themselves on account of me. God knows I don't believe in censoring myself. But I feel it is important to look at the events leading up to this comment, so I can give myself a chance to a) vent, b) analyze my life for the past three weeks, and c) make myself all high-and-mighty, or holier-than-thou as I think it everyday, but can never seem to actually say what's on my mind. I don't wish to cause major drama in the last two months that I have at Indiana. Who knows if I will ever be back here, or see any of these people again...so why create rifts in the relationships?

Monday, October 18th: I wake up at 4:30am to finish packing up my car, saying a teary goodbye to my father, and pulling out of the driveway. My home for all 20 years of my life. Knowing well that when I come "home" again in December for winter break, it will have been torn down. It was, to say the least, emotional for me.

There after, I drive for 4 and a half hours, in the dark, and then the pouring rain. I keep thinking to myself why I bother to go back to school at all. This is a time when I should be staying with my parents, surrounding myself with family, and helping out the best I can with this odd transitional phase. But then again, I've sunk $9000 of unrefundable student loans into IU, and there's no way in hell that I'm not getting the most out of that.

So I drive. And arrive at my apartment around 10am, exhausted, but with adrenaline flowing. I shower, and at 10:47, I catch the bus to class.

For those of you who keep up with this site on a frequent basis, may have remembered this story, as well as knowing what comes next. Stress, exhaustion and general run-down causes me to become very sick. I spend almost all of my time sleeping, that is, when not in class. I become a worthless member of society, and frankly I don't care.

It is at this point, when I'm sick as hell, and stressed out about home, that I stop all of the actions I usually take around the apartment. I stop sweeping the kitchen once a week (which the roommates don't know I do), I stop collecting glasses and bowls from around the living room, rinsing them out and putting them properly in the dishwasher. I start to let everyone's dirty dishes pile up in the sink (as the dishes fairy, I had previously washed off anything left in the sink and put it in the dishwasher, where it belongs) and further, I stopped running the dishwasher every 4 days. Subsequently, I stopped emptying the dishwasher, because the contents were never clean.

I had mused before as to what would happen if I didn't act as apartment mother and dishes fairy, wondering how long it would take my roommates to take responsibility. And just to note, I did not add to the mess. I maintained my habits, whereas I use a knife and immediately rinse it off and put it in the dishwasher. When done with a glass, I do not leave it sitting around, but rather rinse it, and you guessed, put it in the dishwasher.

What are dishes and cleaning when one is emotionally strained and depressed?

So in that time, little by little, roommates start to take responsibility. Though not much because if you look at the current state of affairs in the living room, it's enough to make me wretch. Glasses everywhere, and garbage, like empty McDonald's cup. And the coffee table is cluttered (which I hate and often fixed, arranging it so three things would reside there...our candle holder, the Monet coffee table book, and the most recent month's InStyle magazine). Now, there are coasters, small trash items, empty cups...enough to make me want to rip my skin off.

So, we are at Monday, October 24th. I had left a note over the weekend asking if we could all clean. For some reason, if three or four of us clean simultaneously, things get done faster and better. No one wants to do a lot of work, when they realize that no one else is doing it. Thus, the genius of my plan to do it together. Perhaps then we'd all have a little respect for the house.

Unfortunately, Justin and Hillary were out on Sunday at the only time I could have cleaned, so I decided to scratch the idea. It would end up as me cleaning solo as usual. I did actually clean off the stovetop on that Sunday, but nothing big.

So Monday, the fateful day. This was the day I had "my head bitten off". I was working on my collage and my roommate (who did the biting) brought up how much he had cleaned in the past two weeks (for those of you playing along at home...since I came back to school and quit cleaning). He bragged about Swiffering the kitchen floor for 45 minutes, and having run the dishwasher twice. I tried not to laugh. Twice. I ran the dishwasher, on average, every 4 days for 6 weeks straight. What is that...about 16 times? Let me cry that you had to do it twice. I will give him the Swiffering, though it wouldn't have been as bad, had I continued my sweeping regiment.

So in conclusion of this issue, I can see why he would blame me for his work...as it had once been mine, but after 6 weeks, I graciously passed the torch. However, after the yelling and him stomping off to his room, I really had to wonder if it was worth it. Should I continue to assail my virtues and continue to be the one who cleans everything incessantly? Should I maintain my role as dishes fairy, just to avoid out burst by others who don't want to do it? I did it for (say it with me now) 6 weeks (*toots own horn*) and I never once complained about it...out loud. I just did it and accepted it. Then I fall sit and utterly disheartened and all of a sudden, I am being yelled. That's like being told that you must volunteer. It completely defeats the purpose in the first place.

And I'm sure I could continue, but I must get in the shower, so I can catch the bus in a half-hour. Moral of the story: I like clean. I'm obsessed with clean. I don't like doing it all on my own. And I DEFINITELY do not like piles of dirty dishes in my sink. The dishwasher is RIGHT THERE people. Rinse, open, insert. A fucking monkey could do it. This assumes that my roommates have the intelligence, at least, of a monkey. Hmmm...

Current Music: None.

10/26/04, 8:40pm.
...
Facebook me!

10/26/04, 5:22pm.
I need a cup of coffee and a couple dollar's change...
Oww. I burned my finger...really badly. 3 hours ago and it's really painful still. I've had it on ice non-stop. Now is the first time I've taken it off for a long period of time (more than a minute) and it hurts so badly I want to bite it off.

So that's fun.

Tonight I'll be finishing my Picasso collage. It's not as good as I was hoping, but it's alright. I'm going to add a bunch of eyes and things that represent "sight" or "perspective".

Bought some DVDs today. *shame* But season one of That 70's Show. I watched the first 3 episodes. Hilarious.

In other news...my birthday is in 10 days. I was kinda dreading it. Turning older, yet still being really young. I think 20 might be the worst age. But I'm trying to see it in a more positive way.

Well, I'm going to put a lot of aloe on my finger and put a bandaid on it, so I can work a bit. Collage, and maybe some reading.

Current Music: Callin' Baton Rouge - Garth Brooks

10/21/04, 10:03pm.
There's no more coming back this way, the path is overgrown and strewn with thorns...
What is it about art that makes one want to run graceful fingers along the images in a painting? Trail a delicate thumb along the spine of a book? Ever-so-gently file through CDs, never touching with more than a fingertip? What makes one pick up a DVD and examine it so carefully that it could be equivalent to a 1st Century Han Dynasty Vase?

I go into Barnes and Noble, and all of a sudden, I am seeing and touching for the first time. Like a child being told that he may, hesitantly at first, then with pious enthusiasm. I swear that I know how the discoverers of ancient tombs felt when they lift artifacts from the earth, as I feel the same thing when I find a good book, inspiring CD, or earth-shaking DVD. This is my art, and is something to be admired and revered.

Perhaps I'm exaggerating, just a little. To know how archeologists of ancient civilizations feel because I bought a book by Al Franken? Or to put something like Three Kings on the same level as a 1st Century pot? But to me, there is such value in these things. Perhaps that is why I feel so good when I buy them. You may say I waste my money on DVDs...but would it be a waste if I were buying a work by Picasso? Art comes at different levels.

Eh, enough of that.

Today I went to classes. Then my weekend started, and the peasants rejoiced. I came home and watched The Usual Suspects...AMAZING movie. Excellent cast. Then I dropped my Netfilx in the mail and went to see Before Sunset at the theatre. It was so good. Much like the first, but just. Enchanting. In a way that only foreign and independent films can be. I love enchanting. And Julie Delpy is my hero. Between the Before...s and Blanc, I simply adore her.

Coming home, the apartment was empty, so I put in yet another movie...Oliver and Company. I like to say that I'm eclectic. Really...it's just kinda random. After it finished, I took myself out for dinner to Olive Garden, with my dining alone armor in hand. Tonight it was: One-Car Caravan by Walter Shapiro, tracing the path of the pre-primary Democratic race of 2003-2004. It was recommended and borrowed from Annie, and about 3 pages into it, I knew I must buy. So after my speedy dinner (about 30 minutes...dining alone is fast!) I headed to Barnes and Noble.

And that's where the trouble started.

I browsed. I perused. I tasted. A nibble of that, a smackeral of this. I ended up walking out the door, having impulse bought 4 books. The aforementioned One-Car Caravan, as well as Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them by Al Franken, Devil in the White City by Erik Larson, and Angels and Demons by Dan Brown.

And then I came home and took my debit card out of my purse and it will remain hidden from me for at least a week. I have rent coming up to pay, and if I ever want to get to France, I'm going to start being sensible. I was so good for SO long...and now I've back-slid into a place I shouldn't be. I've started ordering from amazon.com again, and making weekly trips to Best Buy and Barnes. It must stop.

But it's my vise. And what do I do without my vise? I suppose I could take up smoking...

Current Music: Path of Thorns - Sarah McLachlan

10/20/04, 10:54pm.
And I want to wake up with the rain falling on a tin roof, while I'm safe there in your arms...
So the past few days have been death. I've been really sick. Throat, nose, chest, head, back and stomach were all revolting with evil pain. So I slept and medicated myself highly.

Good to get better...bad because I had 3 midterms in the past two days for which I didn't have enough time to study, as I spent most of my time sleeping. Oh well.

At this point...school is not on my priorities list. I'm just so preoccupied with the parents' moving, and trying to transfer schools and finding someone to take my place in the apartment. Between stress and the exhaustion from illness...I'm dying this week.

And Friday begins rehearsals for Wanda June. 5 days a week, for 4 weeks. Then a week of tech and 8 performances. For those of you counting...that brings us right up to finals week. My life is over as I know it. I'm being eaten by the theatre department.

Well. Complaining won't help anything. I need some good ol' sleep. Night loves.

Current Music: Come Away With Me - Norah Jones

10/17/04, 11:04pm.
They searched, but they could find no trace of us...
Oh god.

This is the last night ever I will spend in my house. The house I grew up in. The house that I have lived in for all 20 years of my life. The only home I have ever known.

And it's hard. Very hard.

My parents have been trying to be supportive. My mother says that home is where family is, and that's what she learned from moving so much as a child. Daddy says he understands because when he came home from Vietnam, his parents had moved and it was no longer "his" house, but "their" house. Which I can definitely relate to. I'm losing my house, while they are gaining a new one. I won't live in Florida, but they will. I have no home.

Today I convinced the parents to let Cici go with them to the apartment until the house in Florida is built. Mommy's boss is renting them an apartment until February, as an incentive to make her stay at work. She's too important to let go so quickly. So he's asked her to stay for three months and train a replacement. In that time, Cici will stay with them in the apartment. Then, Mama and kitty will move to Florida into the new house, and Daddy will move into Dave and Katie's basement until he gets his pension in 2 years.

As for me, I will be (with any luck) transferring at the semester to UIC in Chicago, so the parents will help me move out of Indiana after finals in December, and I'll live at the apartment during winter break. They will also help me move into my new school in January. There I will stay until the end of the school year, when I move to France for a month, then back to the US to live with my sister Chris for the summer, while I commute down to Deerfield to work every day. At the end of work, I'll fly down to Florida and stay with Mama for the time until school starts again.

It's so complicated. But hopefully they will be changes for the good. I'm trying. Really hard. I need to make good changes in my life. That's why I'm transferring. And that's why I'm going to Paris for a month. And that's why I'm switching medications to hope for better results.

But until the good starts to kick in, I'm trying so hard to deal with all this stress. And it's taking it's toll. On my clenched teeth. On my breaking-out skin. On my checkbook when I make make-me-happy purchases. On my weight when I binge eat. I'm too young to fall apart like this.

And so now, I have to sleep. Because I couldn't go back to school today...I wasn't ready. But I have to be ready in 6 hours...because that's when I drive back to get to classes tomorrow. And I'll be at school until Thanksgiving break, when I go to Boston. Then back at school until Winter, when I leave forever. 8 weeks...is that too early to be counting down?

Oh, and my birthday is in two weeks. Guess how high it is on my priorities list. Yeah...no where.

Current Music: Keep it Together - Guster

10/11/04, 2:07am.
And every time I held the rose, it seems I only felt the thorns...
Gosh, so busy. This weekend was the ballet. So Lela came into town to surprise our Ballerinas, and subsequently stayed in our apartment. I went both nights, and my Justin is simply amazing. So was everyone else, but I'm more proud of him because he's my roomie. :-)

After Saturday's show, we hosted the cast party. Though Justin assured us only 15 people would show up, we had an average of 50 people in out apartment at any one time over the 4 hours. It was very successful and everyone had fun. Good dancing, good drinking and overall good party. It winded down around 2:30 and we kicked the last people out at 3. A couple of us sober people cleaned up quite a bit before sleeping. The rest we did today, and the apartment looks back to normal. We're good cleaners. Yay!

I redyed my hair today, with help from Symone and Lela. It's very red...a color called "Rudy Twilight." I enjoy muchly. Hopefully it won't fade too quickly.

Unfortunately I'm up late because I was busy doing an assignment I had put off until the last minute, and our apartment was invaded by several (8-ish) people hanging out this evening with guitars and chatty habits. Not a good work atmosphere, but I couldn't kick them out until a few had left on their own accord...which is when I kindly shoved the rest out the door.

Since it's late, I'm preemptively planning to ditch Picasso tomorrow morning. I know I should go, but I need rest after this weekend. If I'm up in time for it, I'll go. Otherwise I'm planning on only going to my 1:15pm Stage Management class. It'll be my first ditched class. I feel a little bad. Maybe I'll wake up in time anyway?

And finally, before I get to bed...a quiz:
Would we be compatible roommates?
- Do you leave dishes with food caked on them in the sink, or rinse them off immediately and put them in the dishwasher?
- If you find that we are running low on dishes and the washer is full...do you run it?
- Before running the dishwasher, do you look around for other dirty dished to add to the load?
- If there are empty cans/bottles/glasses/cups/wrappers/etc laying around, will you pick them up, rinse them out, throw them out, recycle, or otherwise take care of the clutter around the house, even if it was not your mess to begin with?
- You find that we are running low on important food items like milk and bread. Do you make a solo trip to the store for essentials, or wait until someone else suggests a group shopping trip, even if it doesn't happen for several days after the food supply runs out?
- If you see that a roll of toilet paper is getting low, do you put one nearby so someone doesn't get stuck with not enough, or wait until it is completely gone and hope someone else will change the roll, never actually doing it yourself?
- You're roommate says she will always scrub the toilet. There has been a mold build-up for over a week...do you take it into your own hands and just clean the damn thing, or wait for her to do it?
- Do you keep your possessions in your designated areas (of kitchen, bathroom, bedroom) or allow them to overflow into your roommate's space?
- Do you put your hair dryer in the cabinet where it belongs after using, or leave it sitting on the counter to add to clutter, laying half on your roommate's side of the sink, allowing the cord to fall on the floor where it can be stepped on (painfully)?

It's all about picking your battles, I suppose. But then again, I'm out of here in 2 months, so what's the point, really?

Current Music: And So It Goes - Billy Joel

10/05/04, 4:06pm.
I've got the power to help you out...
Today was a good day, leading into an expensive day. First, early class. And French no less. So that was yucky, but then!!! My second (and last) class of the day was cancelled. So I got home at noon. And thus decided to treat myself to a good lunch in honor of my good luck.

Olive Garden. Mmmm. And not too expensive for one person. $10.

Since I was right by the Office Depot, I decided to step in. Staples has made it onto my shit list as they never have anything useful ever, and especially because they didn't have my pens. Yes...I buy a very specific type of pen. Papermate, Comfortmate, in the clicky style. I refused to use pens with caps. And I don't like Bic. Staples is too stupid to sell these, but just my luck. Office Depot had them...in 12 packs! Not just 3s. And they were on sale for $5. What else could go my way?

Best Buy, I thought to myself. I had predetermined that I was sick and tired of not having a DVD playing in the living room, so I decided to buy one. Open box item, but really nice Samsung. Not a cheap $40 Cyberhome...but a more reliable player for only $12 more. Of course, I couldn't leave without picking up Aladdin ($16), and while I was at it, The Lion King($22), before Disney pulls it from the shelf. And of course, I was impulsed into a membership with Best Buy's Rewards Zone ($10) because every $150 I spend there will get me a $5 gift card. Considering how much money I waste at Best Buy, I figured it would be a good investment. And then there was the 2 year replacement plan. Considering how I use and abuse my electronics, pushing them to the limit...I figured $30 was a small price to pay. Overall: $137 spent. Could have been worse, considering $90 was for the DVD player and replacement plan.

I had gotten to thinking about the Disney DVD scam (yes, I call it a scam) as the checkout guy and I had a discussion of it. He said that they never really retire the DVDs, mentioning something about Fantasia. I didn't push the subject. Because I know that I have been waiting forever to get a copy of Cinderella. Granted, I have the tape that came out in the 80's, but I watched it so often as a child, that there are a lot of parts scrambled by over exposure. Also, I missed getting Beauty and the Beast on tape, and now I've missed it on DVD. So I went onto amazon.com to see what else I had missed, and what solutions there were for it. And for those which were still available, which did I want?

My wishlist quickly filled though the only 3 that were terribly out of commission were the afore mentioned Beauty and the Beast, The Little Mermaid, and Lady and the Tramp. I realized that Alice in Wonderland and Sleeping Beauty (though still available) had been out for a while, and could very easily be pulled from shelves in the next few months. My solution? Buy copies of the out of print DVDs on Amazon's Marketplace (two new, one gently used) and the other two new from Amazon. While it was quite impulsive, there is a lot more damage I could have done. Specifically...Oliver and Company, Robin Hood, Rescuers Down Under, Great Mouse Detective and preorder Mulan.

So overall, I feel the illness called "shopaholic" did not do it's worst to me. Which is good. Though the grand total at Amazon was $141.40. Eh...ouch. Being impulsive sucks sometimes.

In defense of myself, the only Disney movies I own on DVD are Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs and The Emperor's New Groove...which we all must admit, are not the greatest. I also have all the Pixar/Disney DVDs, but that's another story. Those are required by law to be owned by everyone. Though you can get away without Bug's Life...I just have it on video. Both Toy Stories, Monsters Inc, and Finding Nemo are necessary.

And to close, there are 28 days until the election. I voted on Sunday absentee-style, you should all either submit a request for an absentee ballot (name, permanent address, address where you'll receive ballot, and signature) to your county court, OR go vote at your polling place on November 2nd.

Secondly, in 31 days, I will be turning the ripe old age of 20. That's right, you have exactly ONE MONTH to buy me a gift. ;-) Feel free to take anything off my Amazon wishlist as a suggestion, otherwise Best Buy or Amazon gift certificates make me happier than I can say.

Current Music: Friend Like Me - Aladdin (in head)

10/02/04, 12:53am.
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your reflection...
Stress is back. Which, as usual, is indicated by the intense pain in my jaw due to clenching it too much. Fun stuff...right?

Today was the audition for Happy Birthday Wanda June, the Kurt Vonnegut play that I'm assistant stage managing. Went well. The director seems really...interesting. I can't tell if he's nice, or just an asshole who can pretend, but either way, it should be an interesting process.

Call backs are tomorrow at 2. Shouldn't last more than 3 hours. Today was a whopping 5 hours of auditions, production meeting, and more auditions. Not bad, but a bit tedious.

In other news, I have been watching a lot of movies recently. Thanks to Netflix, of course, but also the massive collection I've acquired over the past few years. Up to something like 170, but who's counting? On this week's agenda:
- Silver City [in theatres, last Saturday night. I guess it can count?]
- Magnolia
- Bleu
- Blanc
- Rouge [of the Trois Colours trilogy. All are good, but Rouge was definitely the best. 4/4 stars. 5/5 even. Depending on your scale of choice.]
- Unfaithful
- Jurassic Park [always good. Always.]
- M*A*S*H [the movie...not TV episodes. Although a goal in my life is to own all 11 seasons on DVD. Currently, only 1 through 7 have been released. I have none. Yeah, it's a lofty goal at $38+ a pop. But someday. I will dish out the $400 or whatever.]

I received Hitchcock's Suspicion in the mail today, but have yet to watch it.

Hmm. I thought there were more...but I guess averaging 8 movies in a week isn't bad. 9 if you count Suspicion, which I will watch within the "week" since Silver City.

Tonight was also a big event. The first time I went to a restaurant completely alone. And not like Panera or something quick. I went to Chili's, entirely solo. I, of course, brought my dining-alone armor [à la "Sex and the City"]...a book. Which I read while enjoying the chips and salsa, Tomato Basil Chicken Pasta, and several refills of diet Coke. The book of choice was Hemingway'sThe Sun Also Rises, which I simply adore, and seemed to fit my situation. Hemingway and the other "Lost Generation" members like F. Scott Fitzgerald and Gertrude Stein fled America to be inspired by life in Paris...much of what I'll be doing come May. Though I don't think I'll write any novels, nor will I have my portrait painted by Picasso...though that would be hella cool if he could come back to paint me. The big question: which period would I want to be painted in. Blue is too somber, Rose was nice, but I refuse to be with circus folk. Cubism rocks, but I feel it's better for still life than portrait. Maybe I'll have him sculpt me.

Anyway, back to the topic. It is also appropriate to read Hemingway and think of Paris, because I will be dining alone very often when I hit the streets of Paris solo for 34 days. I think I was born a few decades late. Like...70 or so. Even my parents got to live through the 60's, married in 1969, after daddy came back from Vietnam. Not that I would ever want to experience that, but has anyone noticed how ambition is lost? People used to write books and music to mean something...now it's about the money. The news used to be important and anchors tried to find the big stories. Watergate was news, the Clinton scandal was trash I wouldn't wipe my ass with. People used to want to change the world. What happened?

Well, from one ambition-less generation 'whatever-the-hell-we-are'-er to the next: sleep is a good waste of time. And it feels pretty good too.

Current Music: Push - Sarah McLachlan