11/30/04, 10:13pm.
...
As promised...a post not about politics and current events.

I make excuses about the grades I receive. All grades. Bad or good. I feel the need to justify everything and assume that nothing is merit-based.

Example one: Today I was given back the first draft of my French paper. Of the 4 to 5 page requirement, I had written only two. Though fully argued, I didn't think it was overly impressive and figured I would land a C- at best. And he's a rather honest grader. I would say "tough", but in my experience, most teachers are too easy...so he, I believe is rather fair.

Well, I got a B-. With less than half of the length needed. My first thought was "He must really like me." Then I stared, perplexed, wondering why I figured the grade was not merit based, but actually entirely objective.

Example two: In the class following French, we got back our most recent exam. Like the previous one, it was two essay questions. On the last one, I received an A and B+ for the essays, averaging out to an A-. This time around, I received an A on both, for an overall grade of A. My thought? "Well, I wrote more this time, he must look a lot at length."

All my life I have received relatively high grades, so why do I feel the need to justify them? Of course, everyone makes excuses for poor grades (bad teacher, feeling ill that day, falling asleep while studying, mind just wouldn't work), but who the hell makes excuses for GOOD grades? Maybe it is because I've always been a pretty good student. I feel guilty? Ashamed? I'm very odd.

One final note: How long would it take you to find France on a standard, labeled world map? Japan? New Zealand? 2 seconds maybe? How long on an unlabeled map? About the same?

Now what about countries like Malaysia, Uzbekistan or Uganda? Could you even do it at all?

Even after a war in Iraq, how confident are you that you could point to it on an unlabeled map? Rwanda? Cambodia? Vietnam?

Think about that.

Current Music: Magic Flute Overture - James Levine, conductor

11/30/04, 1:41pm.
Talking about a revolution sounds like a whisper...
Watching CNN while eating lunch and updating website. Trying to be productive and well informed. Then again...the world is in a very sad state. Tom Ridge is resigning from position Homeland Security Secretary at 2:45pm EST. Apparently we received a video from Ayman al-Zawahiri, Bin-Ladin's right hand man as well as the "brains behind al-Qaeda", saying that they would continue to fight the US until policies on the treatment of Muslims are revised.

From CNN.com:
"You can elect Bush, Kerry or Satan himself, it doesn't matter to us," he said. "What's important to us is the U.S. policies toward Muslims."
Both U.S. candidates, he said, were fighting over "the acceptance of Israel. This proves there is no reasoning with America, but to force them to accept our position by force."

To add a wrench to the works, apparently tapes of this nature are almost always followed by a terrorist attack within 60 days. So that's bad.

On a somewhat brighter note, Ukraine still doesn't have a president. This is "brighter" because there is an amazing youth movement which is driving the opposition. These are young, intelligent late teen/early twenty-somethings who have traveled or studied abroad and seen how democracy should work in successful nations. Currently they are holding a huge music festival and it seems everyone is just hanging out. It's actually very amazing.

Which brings me to my next point. During a commercial break, I saw a commercial for a car (Buick, I believe), which used Aerosmith's 1973 hit "Dream On" then after there was an E*Trade with a song (I can't remember which, and I can't seem to find it online either) that was circa 1970 as well. Revolutionary music of a time of peace, love, freedom, and civil rights. It's coming back. And maybe we'll finally get the new revolution this country has been waiting for. People start speaking out when they stop trusting the government (ie, Nixon and the Watergate scandal).

Bush meeting with Canada makes me a little uneasy. I feel like a) he should have met with the PM before now and b) I feel like it makes us look so much worse. Canada with it's peace and it's good relations and it's well-spoken, and intelligible leader. For example, Bush just said "those of us who use marijuana." Oy. Like we need a drug scandal in the White House.

And it's always good when CANADIANS protest against you. We've pissed off the Canadians! That doesn't happen!! Makes me feel sick.

Now...I have work to do. I'll post something non-CNN related later.

Current Music: Talkin' About a Revolution - Tracy Chapman

11/28/04, 11:01pm.
You're breaking me in...
So Boston. It's over. Wasn't overly productive...but I suppose it wasn't supposed to be. It wasn't overly relaxing either...so meh.

We left yesterday (Saturday) at 12:30pm so we could drop Allie off at the train station before her 1:30pm departure. We got out of the city and on our way by about that time and drove through Massachusetts, stopping around 2:30pm for gas and lunch before hitting the road hard core. Or so we hoped.

We started hitting traffic in Connecticut at 3:30 and by the time we crept through Jersey, we were staring at rush hour in New York City at 6:30.

Successful side trip: We exited the highway to find a bathroom and ended up at a JC Penny in the Bronx. WONDERFUL! God, I don't remember the last time I've seen such racial diversity, sometimes I really hate midwest, small-town whiteness. It cements the fact that I need to live in a city. There was a little girl in the elevator who looked SO MUCH like my niece Zoe, same hair and face, and she was speaking Russian with her grandma(?) and it was so good. And of course...the Bronx accent. Oh god....AMAZING!

I'm easy to please, obviously. After the MFA, we heard a man yell at a cabbie and say "Fahget about it!" I almost peed my pants from excitement.

Anyway, the traffic on the east coast, and then the downpour of rain through much of Pennsylvania (the longest and most boring state in the Union...I am convinced) slowed us down a lot. We added 3 hours to our drive. Not cool. Luckily I didn't drive in any of that...lunch made me ill, I think I blame McDonalds, but I couldn't eat anything, so after the nausea subsided, I was uber tired and weak from lack of sustenance that I slept for the better part of the last 4 hours. Up to that point, I tried to stay awake for the driver, especially since I couldn't do much.

At 7am this morning, 18 hours after we left Boston, we arrived in Oxford, Ohio and the girls unloaded their stuff and I was left on my own, to drive. Dawn was breaking, so it wasn't too dark, and I had slept for a while, but it was still really hard to drive...and it was only 2 and a half hours. I was ready to collapse.

I got into Bloomington, and by the time I unloaded my car, it was 10am. I sorted my laundry and started a load, then set two alarms (just in case) for 2pm. Just about four hours, but I definitely felt better when I woke up. I switched loads, showered and got lunch from Panera (bland, yet satisfying). At 3:30pm, I left to go to our first tech rehearsal for Happy Birthday, Wanda June, which went surprisingly smoothly considering it was the first tech. The tech only lasted 3 and a half hours, and the stuff before hand wasn't too difficult. I'm on fire watch for the gun we have to shoot. It creeps me out, but at least I don't have to actually touch it, I just give the go and stand by the fire extinguisher. It's also a starter pistol with blanks, so it isn't as scary. We were out of there by quarter to 10, and now I'm home.

Katie had arrived around 5, while I was at rehearsal. Hillary just got in around 10:15, and so far, no word on Justin. He and Sam were going to Justin's aunt's house in Pennsylvania. Maybe they got eaten by the state that never ends.

Current Music: Bent - Matchbox Twenty

11/24/04, 12:04pm.
Waiting for someone to come pick me up of the tracks...
Yesterday, Caitlin, Zoe and I had some fun exploring Boston via car, and stopping off at a mall for a late lunch before heading to South Station to pick up Allie. Oh man. Driving in Boston sucks. The roads don't run straight and there is no order to the one-way streets. And during rush-hour, it takes forever to get anywhere. Now, I'm used to driving in Chicago, which I'm sure many people find worse, but in Chicago, we built our roads on a grid. The vast majority run North/South or East/West. If you encounter a one-way street, I can GUARANTEE that the next will run in the opposite direction. If you are on a street and simply need to follow it, all you have to do is go straight (with obvious exceptions of roads like Sheridan or LSD). It's not nearly as confusing. Yesterday, I was driving on Congress in Boston and as some point unknown to me, we got on another road. Oh, and there are NO street signs to tell you where you are. If there are, they are tiny and on only one of four corners of an intersection.

Needless to say, I'll take Chicago any day, but the getting lost factor was minimal, and no big mistakes occurred. We got Allie picked up from the bus without too much waiting and then headed back to the mall to waste time until rush hour was over. So we chilled out and shopped a bit. Bought more hair dye to fix mine, and some for Caitlin and Allie to use. Zoe bought a different color as well. Last stop was Best Buy where I purchased Sarah McLachlan's Afterglow Live CD/DVD set. Mmmm. Also, The Rolling Stone's Forty Licks. Successful purchases I feel. :-)

We had some girly bonding time last night, which was mostly just draining and exhausting. Oy. Today, once everyone wakes up, we'll be taking the T to Harvard where Caitlin's having lunch with Gatto while the rest of us...shop and eat, I guess. Then we'll continue the T downtown to head to the Museum of Fine Arts. [!!!!!!!!!] I'm so damned excited. They have the largest collection of Monet outside of France, and their impressionism gallery is supposedly to die for! They also currently have an Art Deco exhibit that costs and extra $7 or something...so we'll see how that goes.

We might also plan a nice dinner or something while we're down there. Allie's mom feels a bit guilty that Allie couldn't come home for Thanksgiving, and she's really grateful that we are all getting together, so she told Allie to take us out to dinner somewhere nice and to "charge about $100". Sweet. About $20 a person will be a pretty good dinner, especially compared to the mall Sbarro that we ate yesterday. :-)

Last thing on the agenda is to grocery shop for a turkey breast, potatoes, bread, stuffing and other holiday fixin's. Tomorrow's the big Turkey day! Other than the 2 years my mom and I had Thanksgiving in Florida with Judy, Stephanie and Annette, I think this is my first one ever not at home. No more watching the Macy's parade on the couch in the living room...I don't even have a home anymore. My house is no longer "my house."

Times they are a changin'. And what I wouldn't give to change them back.

Well, I'm going to go shower and get ready, and possibly wake up the sleepy heads. Amanda and I are currently the only ones up, and I'm ready to have a fun day!

Current Music: Train Wreck - Sarah McLachlan

11/22/04, 11:16pm.
...
Recently (and by recently, I really mean the last...oh...5 months) I have been like one of those damn magnetic "Today I feel..." charts that you put on your refrigerator. Those cute little faces that give a comical pictorial expression of the true crap you may actually feel.

Today I feel...
Frustrated. I'm wasting my life and can't think of a thing to do about it. Transferring hasn't been the best plan, and everything else I've tried to do in order to try and make life more bareable...has backfired.

Anxious. Like I'm doing something wrong. I shouldn't be in Boston. I'm jittery and the tiniest things have the hugest effects on me. Phone calls that don't go as planned, email that usually would have been business as usual...but isn't.

Depressed. I mean, this one is sort of a given, but stupid me, I forgot to take my meds this morning. Being in a strange place doesn't usually throw me off, but this is a really odd case. Hotels and guest bedrooms of houses are one thing, crashing in a dorm where you don't belong is entirely another.

Guilty. I spent today dying my hair (and I missed chunks, so I have to touch it up later. Fuck) and watching Nip/Tuck. I mean, the show is excellent, the hair will be good after I fix it...but what a waste of time. Shouldn't I have something more important to be doing? Then again...if I did? I wouldn't do it. I don't have that kind of motivation.

Overwhelmed. When don't I? I still have not been sleeping well. I still am emotionally fucked. I still feel physically ill because of all my nervous/uncertain/guilt-ridden self. Guh.

So...

On another note, Allie comes in tomorrow, and that's are the last day of "classes" for all of us. We can finally begin our vacation with less papers looming, less work not getting done, etc. Right now, we're in the library again. The three girls have papers due tomorrow, which will be sent via email for those of us not attending class. My paper isn't due until next Tuesday, and though I know it's vital I get it done this week, 'cause when I get back, I'll have my french paper to revise, my second comparative art paper to write and tech week, to top off the fun. Motivation is still at a minimum, however. So I update. And talk to Whitney online. And watch far too many episodes of Nip/Tuck for one day. Someday I will be normal. Whatever that is.

Current Music: I'm in a library...music doesn't exist here.

11/21/04, 12:34pm.
...
*relaxes*

Rehearsal last night got out a half hour earlier, which rocked, so I went back to the apartment, filled the cooler and grabbed all of my last minute stuff to pack in the car. I was officially on the road at 5:40pm. The beginning of a very loooooooooong night.

Got to Miami of Ohio at about 8:15pm and we tightly packed all of Zoe and Caitlin's stuff along with mine. And we started on our way. All the way through Ohio. West Virginia for about 2 minutes, then Pennsylvania, where I drove a little less than halfway. At that point, it was 3am and I had driven for 9 and a half hours.

Caitlin, then Zoe took turns for a while...getting us the rest of the way through Pennsylvania, New Jersey and New York. A little bit into Connecticut, Zoe got sleepy, so I took over at 7:30am and drove through Connecticut, Rhode Island and Massachusetts, until we arrived in Boston a little after 11am. Another 3 and a half hours puts me at 13 hours of driving. I am so brain dead right now. Tired as hell, 'cause I only got 3 and a half hours of sleep in all of that, and in such a daze.

But we are here! With Amanda...and Allie will be coming Wednesday morning, I believe. So Thanksgiving is starting!

Soon, I think I'll go shower...'cause I feel really gross, and that will help relax me. Tonight, a friend of Amanda's is making us dinner. Yummy. And free! Between gas and tolls on the way here, I've already spent $57. Damn.

Current Music: Amanda, Zoe and I all typing on laptops.

11/18/04, 2:01pm.
...
I'm officially on vacation. And have been since 10:45am, following French this morning. Damn, it feels good. My only obligation for the next couple days is rehearsal, of which I have two before I leave for Boston. I plotted out our course in my atlas today. *is excited*

Just watched the last 45 minutes of the Clinton Library dedication. Was good...I turned it on when Bono and The Edge were performing Sunday, Bloody Sunday. 'Twas really good. Hillary made a good speech, Clinton's was alright, he definitely made a not-so-subtle suggestion that Bush work for peace in the Middle East. If only he'd take the advice...

I miss President Clinton a lot. And his whole family. I'm crossing my fingers for Hillary to run for office soon. A) It's about time we had a president who isn't a white man, B) She kicks ass, plain and simple. She's smarter than hell and has a good head on her shoulders. Maybe 2008 with pull through with a democratic woman nomination.

In other news, Condoleezza Rice needs to have her head examined! She should have gotten the fuck out of there while she had the chance! Powell was made to look like an ass and he had the sense to leave. Why oh why is she staying?? The Bush administration has done nothing but make her look like a bumbling idiot.

BEN-VENISTE: Isn't it a fact, Dr. Rice, that the August 6 PDB warned against possible attacks in this country? And I ask you whether you recall the title of that PDB?
RICE: I believe the title was, "Bin Laden Determined to Attack Inside the United States."

Poor girl. What the hell are you still doing in that cabinet? RUNAWAY!

And scene...

Current Music: Battle Hymn of the Republic - Mickey Mangum (on CNN)

11/17/04, 11:31pm.
...
Boston is getting so close!

Today I did some research on malls/shopping in the Boston. Also definitely checking out the movies that will be playing when I'm not in the middle of nowhere. On the agenda: Sideways, Finding Neverland, and probably some sort of not-so-great films like National Treasure, After the Sunset and Bridget Jones.

I only have one class left, then I'm on vacation for 11 days! Woo-hoo!

Well, I should at least try to do my French reading...and subsequently try to care about French class. In 11 hours, I'll be done with it for 11 days! Not that I'm excited...

Anywho, off to be a bigger slacker than I have been today. And maybe get some sleep. It hasn't been working well for me lately, so possibly tonight will be better. Only 6 hours last night...it was harsh.

Current Music: Nothing...but that was a shitty post.

11/14/04, 9:52pm.
Somebody's going to emergency, somebody's going to jail...
So...marijuana. It isn't as addictive as nicotine. The effects aren't as bad as alcohol (ie, people don't get in drunken bar brawls while high). Drug-related criminals make up 60% of our prisons, while only 18% is taken up with violent criminals.

So...we take all of our "anti-drug" campaign money, as well as all of the profits from legalizing marijuana...and put those hundred-millions of dollars into Social Security. All of a sudden, the baby boom generation (including my parents, and all of my aunts and uncles) won't be living in poverty by the time they are 70, AND the Hostess company won't go bankrupt (on account of the muchies, if you didn't follow that arguement).

I think it's flawless. Feel free to (again) IM me for further discussion.

Current Music: New York Minute - The Eagles

11/14/04, 12:40am.
You're no good for me, but you're the only one I see...
Ahhhh! I'm so selfish and self-indulgent. [Yes, they are synonyms, but go with it. Redundancy helps to emphasize importance.]

In all of my recent posts, I have failed to mention Ashcroft's resignation, and the death of Yassar Arafat.

*shame*

I currently have no opinion on these events...or rather...I have an opinion, but it's bedtime, so I will not share it now. [Except to say that when you lose a senate race, in which you were the incumbant, to a dead guy, there's nowhere to go but up...hahahahahaha. Loser.] Feel free to IM me if you really want to discuss these events.

Current Music: Stupid - Sarah McLachlan

11/13/04, 9:09pm.
Every time I look at you, the world just melts away...
Lots to report, so be patient with me.

First, there was going home. Shortly after class ended on Thursday, I booked it to the bus stop, where I had to wait for 20 minutes...which sucked because it was raining, but I felt the need to walk quickly anyway. Stupid me. Anyway, 8 minutes after stepping foot off the bus, I got to the apartment, grabbed my duffle, packed my laptop, made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for lunch and stole out the door. It was actually quite impressive.

Then the driving began. And it rained a lot...all the way to Lafayette. I was impatient to get there and I finally did at 4:45 CST. The parents were at the house with my brother, emptying the very last of the garage. The house was absolutely empty, and the garage was bare except for maybe one load of garbage. It was odd. And not that sad. It was harder to leave before, when it was still a home and had all the furniture and my kitty. I didn't really have much to do, and then a half hour later, I took the parent's to the lawyer's office to sign the last of the papers. The closing didn't actually take place on Friday...the second time it's been postponed, but it should happen in the next few business days. Since the parents no longer had to stick around until 9am on Friday for the closing, they decided to leave at 3:45am. I was sleeping on the couch in the apartment, of course, with my kitty. The poor thing. She is so freaked out. She slept by my head the entire night. She usually makes rounds of bedrooms and will stay by my side or feet. But she didn't want to let me go again. Mama woke me up when they were leaving to say goodbye, and as soon as they left the door, Cici started to run from window to window and to the door and back, and was obviously stressed. It made me feel worse that I couldn't stay with her for the entire weekend. I was abandoning her again. And she has no one for the next week (except my sister Emily who's coming to feed her every couple days).

So the parents left early to take the 20 food truck of possessions that aren't in the apartment, to a storage unit in Florida. They should have gotten into Spring Hill tonight, and they will be there until next Thursday, I think, when they'll fly back. I actually got up at 9:30, when I called Comcast to get their internet set up correctly, showered, watched an episode of Gilmore Girls, and at 11:45am, I packed up and said goodbye to kitty. I really wanted to stay longer, but I knew I couldn't.

And if I had stayed longer, I would have been screwed. As it was, by the time I got home, I had 10 minutes to dump all my shit, go to the bathroom, and get my script before going to rehearsal. At that point, I became an emotional mess. I had been fine for most of the time at home. I cried as I was leaving, but it wasn't too bad. But then I got a bit hysterical, and on my way out the door to rehearsal I was freaking out. With the house, and my kitty, and the fact that I had to run rehearsal last night, and that I hadn't gotten the email that I was supposed to meet with my professor during the day to get keys, etc so that I could run rehearsal, I was going nuts. So, of course, I had to calm myself down and remind myself to "check it at the door" and all of that fun Stage Management stuff. Of course, once I got into the space and busied myself with setting things up and getting rehearsal going, I had forgotten all of my strife and was able to concentrate on my job. It went pretty well considering. Afterward, I still required a cigarette and came home to watch Peter Pan (the 2004 version with Jason Issacs as Mr. Darling/Captain Hook). Today, I woke up early to do my laundry and I watched Gus Van Sant's film Elephant. I felt physically ill by the end and was honestly shocked that I didn't throw up. Good way to start the day, watching an intense film about school shooting.

Tonight, I took myself out to see Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason. I know a lot of critics said it was awful, and maybe I'm just really easy to please, but I loved it. I mean...how can any film with Colin Firth and Hugh Grant be remotely bad? I seriously thought I was going to have an orgasm just by watching. And it was funny as hell. And except for that awful gold dress, I think Renee looks SOOOOOO much better with that weight. Especially with the 'shrooms part. She was hot. Stringy hair though, but that can't be fixed. Unless Rogaine works to thicken hair...

So now I'm back home (obviously since I'm updating). Was on a high from the movie, but I've sobered up now. Justin's having a big gathering of ballet people/friends, so I'm kinda hiding out. It's an understatement to say I feel self-conscious around them, even though they are all really nice people and would never say anything aloud. It's alright though. I could camp out in my room for weeks. I have plenty of movies. 213 DVDs, to be correct. I think it might be time for more West Wing. I'm onto season 2, disc 2, side B. Plenty more to go.

By the way, in exactly one week, I will on the road with Zoe and Caitlin, on our way to Boston for the week!!!! YAY! Thanksgiving with my girlies!!!!

One last side note: In Love Actually, Emma Thompson says that "Joni Mitchell is the woman who taught your cold, English wife how to feel." This is precisely how I feel about Sarah McLachlan. Well, except for the English part...

Every time I look at you the world just melts away,
All my troubles, all my fears dissolve in your affections.
You've seen me at my weakest but you take me as I am,
And when I fall you offer me a softer place to land.

Current Music: Push - Sarah McLachlan

11/10/04, 11:09pm.
Do I know you from somewhere? Why do you leave me wanting more...?
Decided, impromptu-ishly, to go home tomorrow. After my last class, which ends at 12:30, I'll drive back "home"...getting up there around 5pm CST. The packing should be completely done, but I can look around a very empty house, maybe take some pictures, and cry a bit. I can't believe I'm losing the only home I've ever known. *breathe*

Friday is the closing, at 9am. I'll go to that with the parents, then they are planning to be on the road at 10am, heading to Florida with almost all of our worldly possessions to go into storage. I'll head back to school sometime after that. *stress*

In other news...
[from www.sorryeverybody.com]





Current Music: Skin - Madonna

11/09/04, 11:37pm.
And I went down to the demonstration, to get my fair share of abuse, singing, "We're gonna vent our frustration"...
Every day, life finds a way to shit on me, thus making every new day worse than it was the day before. I believe the ultimate goal may be to make every single day the worst day of my life.

Between the selling of the house, the moving of the parents, and the transferring of schools, I didn't think things could get that much worse. But oh! THAT is precisely when life likes to chuck lemons directly at your face. Because that is when you are not expecting it.

Today was no exception, of course. Today, I found out that I was not accepted to UIC. The reason is unknown. My GPA was high enough. I thought my essay was decent. I didn't need a portfolio or anything that requires jumping though hoops. It was a basic college application.

What does this mean? Well...I'll be taking a semester off. Possibly trying to find a job to pay off the $9000 spent in student loans over this waste of a semester. Since my house will officially be not mine anymore on Friday, I will either be staying on the couch of my parent's apartment until February, when I may move to Florida with my mom. Or I could be spending a few months, including summer when I come back to work at camp, taking over my nephew's room at my sister's house. Neither option is very stable, but if I wanted stability, I'd stay at IU until next May. But I can't do that. I just can't.

So I stick to worrying and loathing and stressing and dehydrating myself through tear production. I figure it's a safe bet. I like working myself up over life changing situations that I have no control over. It keeps me sane. Or possibly drives me insane. Who can really tell which is which anymore?

Current Music: Can't Always Get What You Want - The Rolling Stones

11/08/04, 10:14pm.
...
Rehearsal was interesting. I got there a little late (which meant 10 minutes before the start, SM instinct and all that), so I started to set up the entire space myself. Moved all the rehearsal furniture and shit. It gets to be 6:30pm (start time) and the director, the other ASM (Holly) and SM have not arrived. I start to panic a bit...did I miss a meeting or something?

The director comes in a minute later, and I figure that Holly will be late (she sometimes comes directly from work, so tends to be late). The SM, however, still wasn't there, so it was hard to get things started.

So anyway, I offer to call her, but the director says no. Our Production Manager comes in, and I'm able to get keys to unlock props, so they could be preset, like I preset the rehearsal furniture. Finally, we get started after much confusion at 6:40, ten minutes behind schedule. Oh well, we aren't that far into process yet.

And to toot my own horn, I picked up every task rather well. Props, furniture, sound cues. Made me really miss SMing. But again, not a viable career choice at this time.

Then at 6:45, the SM walks in. Late due to illness. We get started back up and the rest of rehearsal was fine. I've been so on-edge recently...too much stress.

*Breathe*

Now I work on my French outline/paper until 11pm, when I shall head to bed. And hopefully I'll get more than 7 hours tonight. I've been sleeping like shit again. Boo.

In good news, I watched the first 3 episodes of Season Two of West Wing today. God damn, the writing was good back in the day. I wish seasons 5 and 6 weren't such shit. Aaron Sorkin! Tommy Schlamme! Come baaaaaaaccckkkk!

Current Music: Rien de special.

11/08/04, 9:33am.
Only to find your feelings are nothing...
This whole "not being able to sleep" this is really getting old. I got in bed at 1am last night and proceeded to not sleep until after 2. On account of my being unable to relax and clear my brain of thoughts. I was suffocating from my overactive mind.

Then this morning, I woke up several times between 8:45 and 9:15...as though an alarm were waking me every 7 minutes. Of course it wasn't, because I don't get up until 10am on Mondays. This sucks.

On the upside, I wake up extremely energized. So I went to get my packages from the office. I should have gotten them on Saturday when they came...but the office is closed Saturdays and Sundays. Yes, it still pisses me off.

Well, I'm going to open my seasons of West Wing and package from mommy containing pajama pants and something birthday-ish.

Shoot...I keep forgetting. Notes to self: Get that kid to sign sublet papers, find a way to keep my email address when the parents cancel service to the house.

It would suck so much if I lost the email address that I've used for the past 4 years. Oy.

Current Music: Blind Leading the Blind - Mick Jagger and Dave Stewart

11/07/04, 7:59pm.
...
I've been so tired lately. And thus I've been taking more naps than usual. This week, I have a paper due (in French) and a test...but I haven't begun to study for either, because I have absolutely no ambition to do anything.

In two weeks, I'll be in Boston. I can't tell you how excited I am. And then there's only four and a half weeks until I'm out of Indiana for good. I could suffice with never returning to this state again. I'll drive around it, fly over it...whatever. I'm to the point of loathing. School is irrelevant. I can't wait to get out.

Last night I went to see After the Sunset. Pierce Brosnan + heist movie = the best. Kinda like Thomas Crown Affair. Mmmm...

I'm impatient for season two of That 70's Show to come out. Because season one was came out 12 days ago, and I've already watched them all. Dammit.

Tomorrow morning, I can pick up two packages I received on Saturday...but the rental office isn't open on Saturdays or Sundays...despite the fact that the sign outside the office says it is open on both. Fuckers. I want my packages! Because one is seasons two and three of West Wing, so that will keep me occupied for a while.

Current Music: Nothing. Roommates arguing. TV. Meh.

11/06/04, 11:43am.
I will be the answer, at the end of the line, I will be there for you...
The birthday yesterday was pretty good as far as birthdays go. Definitely not the best, but decent. Half the day was spent doing exactly what I like to do: I started with opening presents, then I deposited birthday money in the bank and went to Best Buy. There, I purchased Shrek 2, along with Boogie Nights and Schindler's List...both of the latter which were on uber sale. I came home and watched Shrek 2, then Katie, Chad and I went to see The Incredibles. A day filled with happy chilling, buying and watching.

Then I had rehearsal, which I definitely could have lived without. It was short though...only there from 6:30 until 8. Today will probably be equally as short when I go at 1...home by 2:30 would be sweet.

After rehearsal I grabbed Panera dinner with Annie and Lauren (which I didn't have to pay for). The night before, we went out for a roommates dinner with just Katie, Hillary, Justin and me. I didn't have to pay for my meal then either. :-)

Then it got to the point in the birthday when it became what everyone else considers a good birthday: we had a party. It was alright. Not the best party, but I had to act as though I was having a great time...because it was in honor of me. I ended up getting to bed early, around 2am, while the party was still somewhat going. It had calmed and people were sitting around watching Shrek 2. At that point I was too tired to enjoy the "chill" part of the evening. I wish the whole night could have been more like that. I don't do dance parties or raging drunk parties. Not my style. But we're in "college" and that's what people do in "college". It needn't be said that it would have been much improved if it were all my friends from home. It actually would have been a good party...but it's over and done with, so yay.

Today I have rehearsal (as previously stated), but I don't have it tomorrow, so after 3pm, I'm done for the weekend. My current plan is to come home and watch Apocalypse Now. Oh the horror, the horror...

Current Music: Answer - Sarah McLachlan

11/03/04, 9:35pm.
Quand il me prend dans ses bras, il me parle tout bas, je vois la vie en rose...
West Wing is getting better this season. Still not up to par with seasons 1 though 4, but much better than 5.

Speaking of spending money...well, I had pre-ordered West Wing a while back. Seasons 2 and 3 should be arriving tomorrow or Friday from amazon.com.

I've already gotten 3 boxes in the mail...presumably birthday presents. So I'm not opening them until Friday. I am very tempted to sneak a peek, but I will be good.

I am much more relaxed right now. I did indeed go shopping, and as predicted, it made me feel better. Talk about being raised in a capitalist society. But it worked, and I spent about $120 at the drop of a hat. Good old student loans. Anyway, I bought some DVDs: Excess Baggage, She's the One, Citizen Kane and season one of Nip/Tuck from Best Buy. Then I went next door to Barnes & Noble and purchased 2 CDs, Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and French Kiss soundtracks.

Rehearsal tonight was boring and I didn't want to be there, but that's no surprise. Now, since Law and Order has gone down hill after Jerry Orbach left [I loved him. Oh well...SVU is still good], I'm going to do some homework. Party.

Current Music: La Vie en Rose - Edith Piaf

11/03/04, 3:16pm.
My foundation was rocked, my tried and true way to deal was to vanish...
This song is so appropriate right now. I want to run away. Maybe that's the chicken way to deal with it, but it's impossible to express how upset I am. Walking though campus, especially the theatre building...it was like the nation was in mourning. People were hugging each other and asking "how are you doing?" in gentle, I-know-what-you're-feeling tones.

I talked to Zoe on the phone, and it's not just me who is feeling complete loss. I thought maybe it was because this is my first big election that was bringing me down and causing me to cry myself to sleep. I'm so emotionally unstable right now. But Zoe said that her parents are feeling it too, and if they are still feeling this way in a couple months, they will probably be moving out of the US.

People want to move because of this election...that's just insane. It says a lot about the state of affairs. After I finish this post, I will be looking into schools in Canada.

*sigh* To help cope, I've turned to vices. My lunch is the fattiest thing ever. I don't remember the last time I've had non-diet soda. Next, I might go on a shopping spree and buy something extremely superfluous...because that's what I do to cheer myself up. If I'm not careful, I'm actually going to take up smoking.

I guess there's nothing more I can do here. So I'll just eat my fatty food and decide where I would like to drop several dollars of student loans...most likely Best Buy. There are a couple CDs I've been wanting. Fear and Loathing... soundtrack and one other...I can't think of at the moment. Unfortunately I can't buy anything from my amazon.com wish list...because I don't know what surprises will be coming for me in the mail. There is a good possibility that I'll purchase at least one season of CSI.

Having said all that...I'm off to research Canada.

Current Music: That Particular Time - Alanis Morissette (she's Canadian)

11/03/04, 10:29am.
...
Trudging to class...bah.

Moment of zen from my away message: [I think we should have two presidents...one half of the country, including the cool states of California, New York, Illinois, Hawaii and ALL of the east coast and most of the Midwest...versus the dirty republican states. The dirty republican states can ban gay marriage, cut arts funding, send soldiers to Iraq, ruin the economy, allow people to own obscenely large and unnecessary guns...and the rest of us can be happy, sane and non-violent.]

To quote Lela from last year: "Can we not call him our president, because I didn't agree to that."

Current Music: CNN...always CNN.

11/03/04, 12:02am.
...
Well, it needs not be said that I've been watching CNN since my last post. Indeed, I've spent 9 hours sitting and watching the same ol', same ol'.

It's getting tiring. It's getting disheartening. Especially when for about two hours, Kerry was trailing by huge numbers. It's not so bad now...but it's exhausting. There is absolutely nothing I can do but sit and watch.

I just can't imagine the country with another 4 years of Bush. I guess the only good part about that is that he's done after 8 years and we'll never have to deal with that bastard again. I don't know if I can do it though. I've already cried once tonight because of Bush. Then we won California and Pennsylvania and it wasn't so bad...but still. I'm close to tears again. And there is nothing I can do.

I know a lot of people say that no matter who wins, the American people must get behind him and be supportive...coming together at a unified people. If Bush wins, I don't think I could do that. I can't unify with people who support the things Bush does.

Right now, I'm really fucking scared for the future of this nation. I don't think we're going to win.

*sigh* It's not over until Ohio sings. Hopefully that will happen before Alaska closes, because I'm going to bed then.

I leave you with this moment of zen from my away message: [HOW CAN PEOPLE VOTE FOR SOMEONE SO IDIOTIC? His foreign policy is the worst in DECADES; the world hates us because of HIM! I hate us because of HIM. I will be burning something if Bush wins tonight. If you voted Republican...I may be targeting you for my arson spree. Human flesh smells great when it burns for freedom and justice.]

Current Music: Who the fuck cares about music at a time like this?

11/02/04, 3:37pm.
...
I am sitting on pins and needles. CNN is my channel of choice, but we won't get any information for another 3 hours. Wolf Blitzer is my hero.

I mean, it's just crazy. I've heard people saying that Kerry is in the lead, or that Bush is definitely going to win...and I just don't know. Obviously no one does, but I am practically going crazy. I don't think I could handle another 4 years of Bush. In French today, I said that if he wins, I might have to set something on fire. A girl next to me said "you better get your lighter ready."

And then there are a few people in the cast of the play I'm ASMing, who are very much for Bush. And it appalls me. How can theatre majors be republican? You can't tell me that you don't have any gay friends who would one day like to get married. Bush even said he has gay friends. So how the hell can he just ignore that and say that they cannot be married? How can CHANEY say that when his own daughter is a lesbian? It just...makes me want to beat sense into their heads with a 2x4.

70% of the French want Bush out of office. And the rest of Europe is right behind them. How the fuck is that good foreign policy?? How can we just sever two hundred year old relations like that???? Need we be reminded that without the French, we wouldn't be an independent nation? Without the French...we would not be having elections right now, because we could still be under British control! I don't care if you don't like the French...it's the same in Germany, Spain, and other important allies. It's okay though, because as Bush pointed out in the debates, we've got Poland behind us.

Right now, the only thing that's keeping me from going absolutely crazy is that poll turn out is higher than it has been. I called my mom at 12:30 to make sure she and my daddy voted...and of course they both did. My mom said she had to stand in line when she went at 7:30am, and my dad said it was crowded when he went at 6am...she said that neither of those have happened before. And it seems that CNN are reporting the same. And I can tell you that in the Midwest today, it is disgustingly cold and rainy...but it's not stopping people. And around campus, you can't walk anywhere without hearing people talking about the election. Thank god...it's about time young people start caring about the country. I don't know if it has to do with Puffy's Vote or Die campaign or that young people are starting to care. Maybe more people are watching the Daily Show...but whatever it is, I hope it helps.

I barely remember the Bush Sr. administration...I was 8 when he was voted out of office, so most of what I've grown up with was Clinton [with whom I'm in love] and I remember the world being a better place. I remember when job security was increasing and unemployment was down to 4%. Fucking amazing. Our foreign relations were wonderful and we were well liked...there was not a great animosity toward the US like there is now. I remember when gas was under $1. Now I have to hunt to find a gallon for less than $2. It's predicted that those will increase even more if Bush is reelected (according to CNN). Every thing was better. These past four years have been awful...and I don't want another terrible 4 years. Maybe Kerry won't be any better, but how will we know if we don't try, right? It definitely won't get better with Bush.

I think I'm going to call Annie (who is helping with polls and campaigning in Missouri) to see how things are going. Hopefully we can get Missouri...it has predicted something like 9 of the last 10 elections.

Current Music: I'm too nervous to listen to music...

11/01/04, 10:08am.
...
I have been up since 9am, after getting 10 hours of sleep. It was wonderful. And it is officially November. [If you didn't read my post from last night, which extoled the virtues of November, check the October page.]

I'm about to shower so I can head to class, and yet at the same time I wonder why I bother with classes at all. I mean, i don't want to go, so why should I? It's my choice.

Then I realize that each bugger class is costing well over $100, and that's an expensive nap or whatever else I will do with my time.

As an unrelated side note, I'm considering taking up smoking. A wretched habit, but why not?

Current Music: Time - Sarah McLachlan