07/30/05, 8:58pm.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside...
It's been a while since I've updated. I'd be lying if I said there was nothing to report from the last 10 days, but I don't know how interested it all is. I've paid off two of my four credit cards (the lower ones, but none the less...they are gone) and so I'm broke again, but feeling okay about it. Camp is still stressful, and I'm still doing more than my fair-share of work, but it's rewarding and there are only 5 days left. I'm nervous about going down to school, though it still hasn't really sunk in. I saw friends today for the first time in a long while, and it was good. "Barbecue" that was more just hanging out, but fun. Dad's out of town again this weekend, and while Chris is at her boyfriend's for the night, I have the house to myself. I don't know why this is so difficult for me, but it is. I still can't ask for what I really need...and more over, make excuses for why my requests will be turned down before I even ask...he couldn't possibly help me because of this...she is too busy so I shouldn't even ask. I'm wondering where the strong, independent girl went, and how I became a broken, needy woman. Maybe I need a hard slap to the face. My self-esteem is gone, and my confidence seems to have gone along. At least I have cats??

That's about it. More cheery and interesting topics next time. Maybe.

Current Music: Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

07/20/05, 10:59pm.
Because of you I've learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt...
According to my therapist, I need to start standing up for myself. When she first started equating me with this kind of behavior, I thought of the women who often get pushed around my their husbands (and specifically thought a bit of my sister) and how I had always said that I wasn't going to be one of those women. And I'm not there yet, and with any luck...will never be. However, I try as hard as possible to make sure I'm not an inconvienence...to the point that I cripple myself. In this case, I am not bending over backwards for a man (*scoff* like I'd ever...erm...anyway) but in fact...my parents. She suggested me sending my mom and email to ask if she'd be willing to pay for the interest being accrued on my student loan, to the tune of about $150 per month. There is almost nothing I would rather do less than that very thing. It makes me feel guilty and greedy to ask them to chip in on my student loan, regardless of the fact that I was promised by my mother that I would "never have to worry about the cost." That, of course, was before they decided to stop paying for my college education. I am still a dependent, still very much jobless with no steady income, yet I don't feel like I can go to my parents, because I don't want to inconvenience them.

[...]

I can see her point. Perhaps I'm setting myself up to be a push over always. Perhaps I will eventually bend over backwards to avoid conflict, despite how much it may hurt me. At the same time, though, I know that my mom has more important things she should be spending money on. Like a new rocking chair for her new house. Okay, so it's a little absurd. I couldn't be more angry and upset with her for 1) selling the house in Deerfield, 2) building a brand new house in Florida, 3) not once offering to help with my student loans, 4) not having a room for me at that house, 5) being so delusional that she thinks she'll never have to work again, and 6) just generally spending so much money on a new house and new life, new furniture and new appliances, and yet not giving me a dime toward my college education. If she claims me on her tax forms, I feel as though I should be getting a little more out of this. Despite all this, I still won't go to her and ask for help. Maybe it's pride, maybe it's determination...most likely it's fear of confrontation. So maybe I will grow up to be one of those unhappy housewives who bends and breaks to make her husband happy while she herself suffers quietly. That's certain to bring on an early grave.

At this point, it's time for me to lay back on my couch and try to get a nice amount of sleep before work again tomorrow. Another necessary evil of life.

Current Music: Because of You - Kelly Clarkson

07/18/05, 11:01pm.
Gotta get away, there's no use in thinking about yesterday...
Life is life currently. The weekend was spent helping Fayanne move into her new house. It's really nice, I like it. The other half of the weekend was taken up with finishing re-reading HP and the Order of the Phoenix so I can start HP and the Half-Blood Prince, which I did today. So far, so good. There are definitely some amazing situations, so to speak, that the characters get into, and it's making me happy to read it.

I keep flashing on the past, which is sucking a bit. Feeling so disconnected from myself...like a constant out of body experience. Desperate to feel anything, much like before when I've been low. This too shall pass, or so they say. I don't know how much I believe that. If life is cyclical, that it will always come back to haunt and hurt.

But I'm tired, so I'm going to try to get some sleep. More than the 3.5 hours I got last night, at least.

Current Music: Forgotten - Avril Lavigne

07/14/05, 10:47pm.
Never knowing who to turn to when the rain set in...
I suppose I've been thinking about this for quite a bit now. It has become a hassle to segregate my thoughts...to only put the "safe" ones, the non-offensive ones, the normal ones here. The others I used to put in a LiveJournal, one that no one knows about and if anyone were to stumble upon it, they'd find it blocked. That's where I put my rants, my depressed thoughts, my secrets. But I haven't used that more than once in the past year, because it has become a burden. And yet this, my website that I pay to have, that I design and edit, that I update every few days, if not more often...I put my bland content here. Lately though, I've been slipping in the other things, a little at a time. I think I will continue this. It's hard to admit, but I'm a broken person...some might know this, but most probably don't realize how true it is. Some things are more challenging for me than they should be. Like that I put off calling the student loan people for 6 months. It took me about a month and a half to finally complete the virtual orientation for UCF. I can't explain it other than "escapism" which I have recently found extremely useful. I ignore everything problematic or troublesome...because when I think about them, I start to shut down anyhow. It's hard to breathe, and I occasionally end up crying. Enough about that, though. The point is that I will probably start keeping a more accurate account of my day-to-day life. Not that I mean to alarm anyone, or call attention...I am fine, overall. Take what I say with a grain of salt...god knows that's how I take my thoughts.

Tonight I saw the summer theatre show, "Wallace and Women." It was quite excellent. Very depressing, with a bit of comedy. Not a dark comedy in the least, just a drama with a couple light moments. It was well done and thought provoking. One of the main things that stuck was the grandmother (played by my lovely Molly) saying that eventually you have to take responsibility for your own actions. Past events can affect your present, to a certain degree, but after a while...you're on your own. I know that I might blame plenty of things on my mother, and maybe I don't take enough responsibility for who I am. Past events sometimes seem to dictate my present...I put far too much stock in them. Yet I find it so hard to just forget or diminish the impact. I guess finding a happy medium is something to work on. Perhaps I'm not alone in that. A second element of the show was that this guy cheats on a girl...and admits it. He decides to be honest about it, and she comes around to forgive him...which he has earned. But what if he hadn't told her, and she had found out in another way? If he continued the lie? Surely she should have walked away and never forgiven him, nor considered remaining his friend. Nothing is that black and white though, is it? Or maybe it is, but the human element (the one consideration that everyone forgets about on CSI or in half the movies you see...just look for it...people are always overlooking the human and/or emotional element) gets in the way. Cheats + lies = not a decent human being = doesn't deserve to breathe the same air. It's the people who ruin the equation. Cheats + lies - good listener - really cute = ???. The end result ends up making no sense. Fuck emotions.

I'm certainly glad that tomorrow is Friday. I have had enough work for the week. I love it, I really do. I wouldn't work here if I didn't, but it's been a trying summer. I'll be glad when it's over, except that I'll stop receiving pay checks. Boo. I want to be a kid again. I want to cry and run to my mommy and tell her to make everything better. I've had enough of this adulthood stuff. I want to be carefree again...like my campers. It's such a good age...smart, but not cynical yet. Honest, but not malicious. Someday I will be six again.

Current Music: Candle in the Wind - Elton John

07/11/05, 10:23pm.
She wants to go home, but nobody's home. It's where she lies, broken inside...
Yesterday started with a trip to church. It was enlightening, and followed directly by a trip to the Renaissance Faire, which constitutes a "religion experience," says Pastor Jed, because it was a relaxing libation taken as part of the sabbath. Hehe...rock.

Faire was fun. Ate good food. And more good food. Didn't buy anything (because I'm damn broke) but looked at a bunch of pretty cool stuff. Didn't stay too long, we left around 4pm. I went to dinner with my Daddy and after, we realized we were following my cousin Brian, so decided to continue to follow him to his new house which we had yet to see. Very beautiful. I don't usually like the cookie cutter homes found in subdivisions, but theirs was spacious and lovely and has a lot of potential for a rocking basement. We chatted with them for quite a while before heading back home. Who knew...there's a nice part of Antioch?

Camp today was a little on the sucky side, but then again...I wasn't really in the mood to deal with kids. Tomorrow is going to suck, because we have a meeting before camp. I feel like I'm starting to burn out already, and it's only the 4th week. We have another 19 days. Eck.

Sadly, I must admit that lately I've been listening to Avril Lavigne's "Under My Skin" CD...and liking it a lot. The draw of the angsty femme rocker is just too strong to deny! We all saw it coming. Specifically, though, "Nobody's Home" rocks my socks. I've also downloaded some newer songs that have been on the radio lately, to make sure that I stay current, even when plugging in my iPod. Got the Jason Mraz Wordplay EP from iTunes, and am currently liking it. Reminds me much of his live CD that I have...which rocks 20 times more than "Waiting For My Rocket to Come" which I don't like.

Alright, I was going to go to bed by 9:15pm, but then there was a really cool show on PBS called "History's Mysteries" and then the Daily Show was on (the first new one in 10 days) so of course I had to watch. New set...I don't like it as much as the old one, if only because there is no couch for the guests. It seems awkward to me for the guests to be sitting at the desk with Jon. Oh well...not my stage. Anyway...now that I'm 90 minutes late for my bedtime, I suppose I shall go.

Goodnight moon.

Current Music: Nobody's Home - Avril Lavigne

07/10/05, 12:54am.
I'm here if you want me; I'm yours, you can hold me...
An interesting evening. Shindigging it up at Nikki's. I wasn't overly talkative in the group setting, but I didn't really realize that until on the way home when I think I talked Patty's ear off. He's lucky he only lives a few minutes away from Nikki, or he might have gotten my entire life story.

But it felt really good to talk one-on-one with someone who listens. I don't really know the last time I've done that. I guess I chat exclusively with Caitlin or Zoe on occasion, but often lately it's been superficial, at least on my end. I think that's mostly because I know I'm not happy right now in my life, but I can't really figure out why. Sure there are a lot of factors including stresses of work, finances, and the lack of a relationship...but I feel like there's this big empty void and I have no idea why it's there, or what I need to do to fill it.

Perhaps I'll find an answer tomorrow. I'm starting with church, then going to the Renaissance Faire. The second good thing I've found about living in Antioch...the Faire is 10 minutes away, on the same road my sister lives off. The first good thing, of course, was that living by some lower-income, white-trashier people makes me feel not so trashy and poor. The Deerfield standard of living is definitely not within my budget.

That is all for now. Bonne soiree.

Current Music: You Don't See Me - Josie and the Pussycats

07/09/05, 9:50am.
...
For once, it feels like the calm after the storm. This just are. Maybe it's that I'm getting a chance to relax and do nothing...something that I haven't felt since probably the beginning of May. Or maybe it's just the weather.

I was thinking just now about the act of writing, and specifically journaling or purposly indexing history and events. When travelling alone, the biggest regret I had was not having someone with whom to share the experience, just as a casual observer. I didn't necessarily need the companionship, but having someone who would know what happened, and was there to see the events unfold. I think that this is the reason for writing down events...to chronical them for those who weren't there so that they don't just become lost in the sands of time. Basically, I guess what I'm saying, is that every event or action that I write in a journal, or on this webpage, becomes a mark in history to show that I did this, or I experienced that, and to avoid having nothing with which to justify or prove my existence. I believe the same can be said for many people. Perhaps we tell stories from our days at work, or funny anecdotes about friends or family, just to ensure that they happened. Just to make certain that they don't fall through the cracks of history. I'm certainly not saying that in 5000 years, historians will be reading my travel journal of Europe or analyzing my website (though that would be damn funny), but just that it provides a certain personal relief that yes, I was there and yes, this happened.

Just some interesting food for thought.

Current Music: Get to Me - Train (in head)

07/07/05, 10:44pm.
...
I don't know how to begin. I got the news of the bombing in London from my mom this morning when she called to ask about the apartment I'm getting for school. It didn't really sink in so much...I only knew that there were explosions in the Underground, being attributed to al-Qaeda. Obviously, there was nothing in this morning's New York Times, though London did make the front page for winning the 2012 summer Olympics. On the way to work, I searched the AM stations and landed on WGN 720 to get as much information as possible. The facts were unsettling, of course. And the ties between the attacks on September 11th were evident. Both attacks took place around 8:30am, while average, innocent people were on their ways to work. This infuriates me to no end. These madmen, these terrorists are not about getting the big death tolls. They just need enough death to make it serious. But what they want is to paralyze our world. They want to shut down the stock markets, stop people from getting to work, close down airports and public transportation, scare consumers into not spending money, knock out power and phone lines enough to cause a certain amount of "terror." Many said that after September 11th, the terrorists had failed because it brought people together like never before. The city of New York and indeed the entire country was mourning and rebuilding and celebrating our freedoms together. We were dealt a painful blow, but we got back up fighting harder than before.

This situation is obviously much different, especially since it has taken place in London. We felt the ripple of the panic, but it hasn't hit close enough to home to affect most people. But there are Americans who care deeply about the attack. And I for one feel guilty, as though the blood is on our hands. While some may say it's "foolish" to connect this attack with the British presence in the war, I think it's more an obvious choice. There are many countries that could have taken a blow just for being capitalist. And surely much terrorism is spawned from religion, but religion isn't a great factor in England. It seems to me that the involvement in the war brought them onto the front burner, and left some of the other equally innocent, but not as directly related, countries in the back. So it becomes an obvious connection that our going to war with Iraq and Afghanistan and terrorists in the Middle East, and taking with us British troops (as well as some Polish and Danish) it would seem that we were the ones to help bring Britain to the front of the stove. American has always been seated there, but now it seems we are reaching for others to stand with us, in the foreground of conflict.

I apologize for my awful spelling, and I'm sure my coherency isn't all there either. In fact, I may have even made up a few words along the way, but I am tired and angry, and my mind works poorly under both situations.

I wish anyone who reads a goodnight and peace in your hearts, minds, and lives.

Current Music: None.

07/06/05, 4:59pm.
Where are those good old-fashion values on which we used to rely...?
Well, I've decided that I am definitely an escapist. When there's something that I don't want to deal with...I ignore it and pretend it doesn't exist. I get lost in other activities like reading, writing, watching TV...basically anything else. I realize that this is bad...but frankly...I don't want to be a grown-up anymore and I'd like to give back all of my responsibilities.

In other news, camp today sucked. Kids were off the wall and nothing seemed to go smoothly. Tomorrow we have a field trip to Highwood Lanes (ghetto bowling!) so I'm hoping that's a nice break from camp routine. Two more days until the weekend. I don't know if I can wait that long.

I really want to go shopping. Best Buy or Barnes & Noble. This is my number one escapist activity, and if I had money...oh boy. I'd be coming home with lots of new and fun stuff. Oh well.

Current Music: Family Guy theme

07/04/05, 3:52pm.
In contracts, dollars, in funerals, in births...
I miss my house. Every year for the 3rd of July, we'd meet at my house to walk to the high school for fireworks...whether it was when I was young and we went with family, or in the more recent years when it was friends who would gather there before the trek. I certainly miss that. I miss the cool, damp, and slightly musty basement that was my home. I lived there, independent of my parents. I miss having a room, and a bed. I miss having my kitty there to cuddle with me. I miss living close to work. I miss living close to friends. I miss parents who would stock the fridge with food. I miss those damn steep stairs that I would run up and down several times a day. I miss that squeaky kitchen floor. I miss the squeaky back door that would give me away when I came in really late. I miss those ugly, stained, beige front curtains. I miss the ugly shag carpet that still laid in three of the rooms, though it was so worn down, it wasn't that noticeable. I miss feeling like I have a home.

On a brighter note, my sister and I have spent the past three days remodeling her upstairs bathroom. Removed wallpaper border, painted walls and wainscoting, replaced showerhead, replaced the light fixtures, replaced all the towel bars, put down new tile, put up a new shower curtain...we fell short of doing the shower fan (the attic is confusing and scary) and the faucet (the pipes are rusty and need to be replaced). Overall, very successful.

The rest of today will be spent doing some reading and thinking and ignoring some of the grown-up responsibilities that should be on my mind. Yay.

Current Music: Seasons of Love B - RENT

07/02/05, 8:37am.
What we learned here is love tastes bitter when it's gone...
Not much to update. Yesterday was the best day of work ever. It was Friday. Before a long weekend. We got paid. It wasn't ungodly hot. We had a birthday treat from one of the kids. We had 43 kids total (out of 55...12 absent). Rocked.

I met up with my sister to see Bewitched. It wasn't a very good movie, but I thought it was pretty funny. Then we headed to Home Depot. We're going to be redoing the upstairs bathroom, so we got tile and paint. (We already have all the fixtures, etc). She was supposed to be going out of town this weekend, but decided not to, so we'll be doing some home improvement work. I'm excited. Maybe we'll have it all done by the time my dad comes home from Florida on Monday.

After that, I took her to visit Fiona. She's still cute, and was being playful. She'd be such a good addition to the family, but I'm thinking I shouldn't get her. 2 cats is enough for now...and I'm going back to school in a month and a half. Someday, when I'm a grown up and have my life on track and a place of my own and a steady income, I'll get a cat for myself. I just hate the idea of kitties living in metal boxes until they are adopted. Especially the strays or ones who came in after having families. They are older, so they are "less desirable" and they know what it's like to have open space. And now they are stuck in a cage. I hate it so much. I might become the crazy cat lady when I grow up.

Alright, enough ranting. I'm going to catch up on some reading before Chris wakes up. Then there is cleaning to do, and a bathroom to redecorate.

Current Music: Shame - Matchbox 20