01/31/05, 1:29pm.
...
Hanging around my sister's house...all alone. I'm rather bored, but it will motivate me to do stuff. Currently, I'm just watching TV. (As a side note: Spike TV is not just for men. Grrr.) I might go out for some groceries later...we need some paper towels, dishwashing soap, kitty litter and I need more Diet Pepsi. It runs through my vains and makes me happy.

In other news, Apple announced new PowerBooks today...which gives me hope that they may release new G5s soon. Not that I can afford it currently, but someday. It has become a necessity since I don't have enough space on my computer to import even the 30 minutes of New Year's Eve footage I shot. I can't futz with movie-making and film production if I don't have the tools to do so.

I bought a plane ticket yesterday. I'm going to Tampa from March 21st until April 6th. My sister Fayanne will be there for her Spring Break along with her friend Becca, so I figured I'd take that opportunity to visit her, and my mom, and aunt Judy, as well as go to Disney and do the college visit thing. I've currently been accepted to University of West Florida (in Pensacola) and University of Tampa. I'm leaning toward the latter, despite the fact that it's private. Might be more expensive and I won't get the in-state break, but I can get other scholarships and take out more student loans. Besides, they have a "Film and Media Arts" major. How perfect?

"The film and media arts major combines critical studies with production experiences in film and media arts. Blending ìstoryî with ìtechnology,î students examine critical perspectives and practice implementing techniques in traditional (16 MM film) and emerging (digital) formats."

Dude! "Manna Manna" was just used in a commercial for Dr. Pepper with cherry! We used to listen to that song all the time on my floor freshman year. Crazy.

One last note: I love my eyebrow pierce so very much.

Current Music: The ST:TNG theme (on Spike TV)...yeah, I'm a biiiiig dork.

01/29/05, 11:19pm.
They may not be the right way, but that's okay as long as they're all the same...
Mother is officially being dubbed "Mommy Dearest" with all negative implications intended. College is giving me a huge headache again. At least now I have enough knowledge and distance to ensure that she won't get under my skin and I can stand up for myself.

Damn, I've been clenching again. My jaw hurts like hell and I'm tense all over. Suckitude.

In other news...I spent the day babysitting. Wasn't too terrible...spent most of the time watching season 6 of "Sex and the City" on my laptop with headphones (so the young children wouldn't be exposed). Ended up crying like a little girl at the series finale. It was a mix of joy and hope, despair and disappointment. But thus is life.

And now, to bed. I'm sleepy.

Current Music: Jason Mraz (in head)

01/25/05, 10:41pm.
...
Hee hee!!!

Current Music: "Alias"...as usual.

01/25/05, 11:34am.
Do not stand at my grave and cry...
Hee hee! Spies!!!



Current Music: Prayer - Lizzie West (on Alias)

01/24/05, 11:38pm.
And I only kiss your shadow, I cannon feel your hand...
Lately, I've been having a lot of dreams. While this isn't necessarily abnormal, I don't usually remember when I have dreams. It seems to come in waves...there are times in my life when I know that I dream every night, and times when I sleep, blissfully unaware of subconsious thought.

As a general rule, I don't like dreams. While there are those that are wonderful and leave you feeling good all day...I don't usually have those kinds of dreams. There is always something a little off about my dream world...something that just doesn't feel right. It might be because I know it's a figment of my imagination. But like life, my dreams are never wholly good, though they can be entirely bad. I've been chased by murders and seen the people I love slain before my eyes. I've flown about the world, only to discover that one must always fall down. I've been trapped in houses that I can't escape. I've been forced to search mazes for the one door that will lead to my grail...the ultimate treasure, whatever that may be.

My current dreams haven't been this scary, but they still make me feel unsettled, even if the contents are not that bad. But there has been a theme, in at least three that I remember. The first was odd...as I was pregnant, and in my 9th month. I was very close to having the child, and if I recall correctly, but the end of the dream I was either giving birth, or had just given birth. In another, I was in a foreign city with 3 others, and there were lies and deception among all of us, and my lie had been discovered, which lead to untimely consequences...possibly death or some sort of exile spawning from my deceit. Then last night, I was scouring internet sites to find an apartment for Paris, as I was leaving the next day and had not yet found one.

In both of these dreams, I was reaching the end of the plateau and headed directly into the unknown. Not just any unknown, but huge, life-altering, scary and unpredictable unknowns. And I'm worried that I am actually coming up to one of these unknowns. Not specifically, of course, but I'm scared that on the horizon is something huge; something I might not be prepared to deal with; something that I can't change or run from.

I'm sure my dreams mean nothing. The future is unpredictible, and it wouldn't be such if we could see it in our mind's eye days and weeks before. Besides, I've always had a bit of an over-active imagination. That doesn't change the fact that I could really use some sort of security right now.

Current Music: The Dangling Conversation - Simon & Garfunkel

01/24/05, 10:03am.
Yes, I've paid the price, but look how much I've gained...
I decided last night that a headache is truly the most debilitating of common inflictions. Watching television is painful, staring at a computer screen is near-impossible, just the thought of reading small words on a page of a book makes the throbbing increase...almost as a warning. There is nothing one can do, short of closing eyes and putting on soothing music. Unfortunately, last night after brilliantly suffering through "Desperate Housewives" and "Boston Legal" the last thing on my mind was sleep. I was the anti-tired, yet I could do nothing. So with a cold compress on my forehead and the lights off, I laid on my couch/bed and put on some Carole King, and then the Four Stories Tall soundtrack. It was effective enough at knocking me out. And thankfully, this morning I woke up headache-free. We shall hope it doesn't return.

However, getting to bed at 10pm ensured that I was up at 8:30 this morning. Bored is the only thing to describe my current state. I have ravished the iTunes Music Store and have purchased Nina Simone's Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood as well as Simon and Garfunkel's The Best of Simon and Garfunkel...or at least the 19 songs from the "partial album" iTunes had.

Not much else to say, I suppose. My sister and I watched a good deal of CSI yesterday before "The Headache of the Century" set in, and before the Sunday night ABC line-up began. Watching Alias should resume today. Because if we can get through the rest of season two and season three by Wednesday, I can start watching the new episodes in realtime. And the commercial for this upcoming episode make me giggle like a schoolgirl...as the Sydney/Vaughn relationship has a tendency to do. It's not my fault that Michael Vartan is hot and Vaughn is the man of my dreams...too bad the fucker had to be a fictional character, eh?

And now, I wait impatiently for my sister to wake up so "Alias" can commence...and I shall start drinking water to hopefully avoid a headache by dehydration. Not really sure what caused yesterday's beast, but I'm not taking my chances again.

In other news, I may have gotten my sister addicted to iTunes. She has seen the light, after being a Windows Media Player user for far too long. *is a geek*

Current Music: I Am Woman - Helen Reddy

01/21/05, 10:11pm.
Say goodbye, my baby...
For the first time in a while, I'm at the apartment. And it's painful. Damn. But I'll be back at Chris's tomorrow. If I make it...

In other news, I bought a 40gb iPod...it was necessary, I swear. At least I didn't get a G5...it could have been much worse. Something about that "buying things make me happy" that really pushed me toward it. That and I was sick of not having all my music in one place. In fact...it was three places. My old 10gb iPod, my hard drive ("Jack") and my external hard drive ("The Captain"). For those curious, my new iPod is close to having a name. It's temporarily being called "Pink Mama" as it is hugely spacious and has a pink iSkin on it. The name will change when I get inspired.

And now, I finish this up, because there's not much more to say and I'm so not articulate tonight. And I don't feel good...and it's entirely self-imposed which is even worse. I can't live in this apartment. It makes me ill.

Current Music: Say Goodbye to Hollywood - Billy Joel

01/16/05, 10:49pm.
...
And here were was my running commentary of the Golden Globes for the first 2-ish hours. Rambling, really. Nothing exciting. But hey.

- Opening sequence was both lame and tacky....amature is not a good look. We all know the Oscars are more prestegious, it's not necessary to make it look as such.
- Eww, Renee...what's with the Bjork look?
- I LOVE CLIVE OWEN!!! WOOOOO!!!!
- Bad makeup Laura Linney.
- Natalie Portman the flapper?
- William Shatner rocks my socks ("I want to thank the wife").
- Mariska Hargitay is amazing...though so are Joely Richardson and Jennifer Garner.
- Why does everyone look so damn serious? It's the GLOBES people!!
- James Spader looks so geeky...hee!
- Dustin Hoffman is the love of my life...and he's 67. Damn.
- Meryl Streep looks very good.
- Annette Bening is looking hot as usual.
- YEAH NIP/TUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Best show ever!

(Now begins the flipping between Golden Globes and Desperate Housewives. At 9pm, I'll be switching entirely to the premiere of season two of Nip/Tuck on FX. YOU should watch it as well...it's best TV drama!)

- Geoffrey Rush has been the most entertaining yet.
- This sucks.
- Kevin Spacey is the other love of my life...for the record, he's only 45.
- How cute...two Richardson's nominated at the same awards show! (Joely and Miranda).
- Meryl Streep and Glenn Close are so cute...yay old time friends!
- Alexander Payne is one of the best writer/directors in the business...it's about damn time he's recognized as such!
- By the way...go see Sideways if you haven't already.
- How am I going to decide between Boston Legal and Nip/Tuck? They are both on Sundays at 9pm!

Thus concludes the evening. I am now watching obscene amounts of "Alias" after purchasing the first three seasons on DVD.

Current Music: Michael Vartan's sexy voice. *melt*

01/13/05, 9:57pm.
...
Long time, no update. As is becoming the pattern. So much time on my hands, and nothing to write about, I suppose. I've been spending much time at my sister's house. As much as possible at least. In the past five nights, I've only spent one of them at the apartment. One may ask why I don't just move into Chris's house now, instead of waiting until the end of April. Well, mom moves out in February...so then I'll have a room of my own...for a couple months. So I may as well stick it out...packing bags and spending three days at a time at Chris's. And then eventually I get a room with a bed. Then I go back to a couch...just in time to go to Europe for a month.

It's a little complicated. And that whole Europe thing hasn't sunk in yet. Meh. Life is too nuts to try to keep track of right now. I'm living day by day...

In other news, I think I want to get my nose pierced. It seems like less of a committment than an eyebrow piercing, and a little more subtle. I went with Carly...the only person who hasn't left for school already...to get her ears pierced, and then she ran into a girl she knew, who was also getting ears pierced. While my second holes have closed up...I could probably poke them open again with my stud, and I have my cartilage and bottom holes all set. So my ears are kinda done. Industrials or tragus piercings don't get me off, I like to stick with typical piercings. So I must move on. I'm certainly not doing nipple or navel, so I'm kinda thinking eyebrow, nose or tongue are my only viable options. Tongue would hurt a lot, and it would be really hard to get rid of. Eyebrow is highly noticible and when I eventually decide to take it out, it will potentially scar and could stop the growth of eyebrow hair in that spot. I like my eyebrows how they are, thank you, though I certaintly think I would look damn cute with a fun little curved barbell.

So I'm thinking nose. And I'm thinking I'm actually going to do it, quite soon. Two years ago, when I first wanted my eyebrow pierced...my mother said she wouldn't pay for my college education if I got one. Well, she's stopped paying anyway, so that isn't too much of a threat. Beyond that, what's she going to do? Kick me off the couch I'm sleeping on? Also...not a threat. I guess the biggest things she could do would be to take away my car or make me pay for my cell phone. That's about it. So why not? I'm only young once...if I can dye my hair purple, I can pierce my nose. Speaking of which...I need to redye my hair. I'm starting to actually look like a brunette. *shudder*

So. Anyone around the area who wants to go with me to get my nose pierced? Anyone?

Current Music: Watching EdTV on TBS. Actually a good movie, I believe.

01/09/05, 10:58pm.
Was I really seeking good, or just seeking attention...?
Two days since my last confession...uh...post. I meant post.

But while on the subject of religion...I hate those damn signs in front of churches. The ones where they put witty comments or attempt to whore their church to the public in order to get members. Cults, if you ask me. But anyway...There's one particular church, which none of my readers have probably seen. It is located on Deep Lake Road in Antioch, between Route 173 and North Avenue. Last week, it professed: Don't make the preacher lie at your funeral. Today it was changed to: Stop, Drop and Roll doesn't work in Hell.

Honestly, who sees that and says: "Oh...I really AM a heathen and I should attend THAT church to save my soul!"? No one. Except maybe some Catholics...but they can't be helped. They have the guilt.

I am not bashing all churches (for once). I drove past one recently which stated on it's lit up sign with black cut-out letters: Pray for the tsunami victims and their families. Bravo. Using its power for good instead of evil. It professes a message of peace and hope...not of judgement and punishment. I think it would be hard to find someone who took that statement to be offensive. The first two, however, offend me with their stupidity and ignorance.

Organized religions suck.

In other news, I watched "Boston Legal" tonight on ABC, and my verdict is "fabulous." Excellent cast: Candice Bergen, James Spader, William Shatner and Monica Potter...along with other, smaller names as co-stars. And it is safe to say that David E. Kelly has another hit on his hands...if it can get rolling. The same sharp wit and situations as "Ally McBeal" with the realism of "The Practice." No dancing babies, but also no chest-compressing dramatic storylines. Best of both worlds, if you ask me...I was and avid fan of both shows back in 1997-1998 when they were at their peak.

In other news, I'm back at the apartment. In the past two days, I have tried to spend as little time here as possible. Unfortunately with all of my college-aged friends going, going, gone...I have few options other than my sister's house, so I trek out to Antioch quite a bit. Not too bad, it's only a 25 minute drive from here. From home, it used to be 45 minutes. So we have one positive to the apartment. One. Out of many, many negatives. Blah.

Tomorrow, I am unsure what I will be doing. Slight possiblity of having lunch with my sister. Then possible job-hunting, before picking up my niece from afterschool care and then going to my sister's. I will be spending the night there (again) due to the shitty weather predicted for tomorrow evening. Oh, the excitement. I hate winter.

And with that, I do some mindless internet surfing (whoever decided that screwing around online should be called "surfing" should be shot) before getting to sleep. Big day tomorrow. Or not.

Current Music: No Good Deed - Wicked

01/08/05, 1:06am.
She needs to be held in his arms to be free...
Today...er, well...yesterday was Nicholas Cage's birthday. One of my favorites, he's a diverse actor with a talent for making money AND [usually] keeping the integrity of a film. Hard to do this day in age. Then again, I suppose my view of a successful film has nothing to do with audience attraction or box office revenues. Meh, I think he's excellent.

And speaking of excellent, diverse actors...I went to see Finding Neverland this evening. While I've wanted to see it forever, I've been hesitant due to a seemingly morose storyline. While there were definitely heartbreaking scenes, it was overall uplifting and beautiful. Not Oscar worthy, but lovely none the less. Kate Winslet was fabulous as usual. Johnny was on the mark 100%. Though I would challenge one to find a role in which he was not entirely committed and truthful. He, more than any other actor, is a chameleon. He can play anything and everything. It will look amazingly honest and sincere, no matter whether the role calls for humor or sorrow, love or insanity. I would go so far as to say he is the best actor currently working.

And now that my Johnny Depp love has been established, I must say that I am madly in love with Dustin Hoffman. Tonight, I even called him the love of my life. *swoon* And yes, I know that he's 67. Age means nothing when you have talent and some of the best roles of all time under your belt. (Please note: Benjamin in The Graduate and Raymond in Rain Man.) Love. Him.

Current Music: Rinse - Vanessa Carlton

01/06/05, 11:24pm.
Everyone has a secret, oh but can they keep it...?
In my family, we have trouble forgiving ourselves for things over which we have no control. We find it hard to let go, and more over to forget. It's hard to move on, and we never truly stop feeling it.

Being a part of it, I can't really judge how much is "normal" or "healthy" and how much is just obsessive and problematic. But I have been told that I "feel things very deeply" and also I've been told that I have never learned how to grieve...properly, I suppose. If there is a proper way to grieve.

This comes up for a very specific reason tonight. Many, many years ago...years before I was even born...on this day, my cousin was killed in a snowmobile accident. The details are fuzzy to me now, though as one time I knew them. I'm not sure if she was 6, or if that's just the number in my head because it was January 6th. I don't know the year she was born in...though she was slightly younger than my brother, so possibly 1976? She was a New Year's baby...that I know. The details may be particularly fuzzy because in my family, we don't talk about feelings or major life-changing events.

I remember when I was young, we had a picture of Jenny on a table in the living room. I knew who she was, and I knew what had happened to her. But I didn't know why it was important, or what the significance of that portrait still being around. It took several years, and what feels like decades of growing up to realize...she was still in our living room because she still haunts our daily lives. I know that my family who knew her, think about her often. Maybe not everyday, but once a week? Even after over 20 years. And I know that despite where they were, what they were doing, or how old they were at the time of the accident, they still convince themselves that there was something they could have done.

I know...because I do all of these things as well. I still struggle with the thought that there was nothing I could do for Staci. But I still think there is. I still believe that something I could have done differently, would have saved her. And it's absolutely absurd, of course. And I still think about her often. Not everyday...or at least not anymore. But often. And I keep pictures around so that when I see them, I remember how I can't forget. And I remember the hurt in my heart and the anger in my head. And I recognize that I am still not "over it" after almost 7 years. And I know that instead of remembering what happened, I relive it to painful extremes. And I try to go back and change how things played out.

I can forgive anyone but myself. Because no matter how irrational it is, I know that I should have been able to do something to save her. And I know that every other person in my family feels the same way.

Current Music: Secret - Maroon 5

01/04/05, 10:12am.
I see Orion and say nothing, the only think I can think of saying is...
!!!!!!!!!!

Both Hotel Rwanda and Million Dollar Baby will be opening at Regal on Friday. This means I don't have to go down to AMC River East in Chicago!!! Now all we need is somewhere still playing The Sea Inside.

Current Music: Some chick talking about butterflies on The Weather Channel

01/03/05, 6:23pm.
...
This is the most amazing movie ever. Currently I'm watching Igby Goes Down and I'm enthralled. Jeff Goldblum is hilarious. And of course Kieran Culkin is excellent. It's also a nice uplifting change from Maria Full of Grace...which was excellent, but very much a downer.

Nothing else here.

Current Music: Igby Goes Down. Duh.

01/02/05, 11:22pm.
This grief overwhelms me, burns in my stomach, and I can't stop bumping into things...
Today I had lunch with my sisters Emily and Chris, Em's husband Tom, and Chris's kids Michael and Zoe. After, we headed to Best Buy where I finally purchased a pair of headphone. Now, when I'm wake for hours after the parents have gone to sleep, I can listen to music, or watch a movie, without waking them. Of course, the keyboard still clicks, but hopefully that doesn't travel so much.

A bunch to do tomorrow. Doctor's appointment, and I have to go to the CCRC to request high school transcripts. Eww and double eww. And then I should start my job hunt. Triple eww? I don't want to do any of it. I know I have to, but my motivation is definitely tanking. Oh well. Suck it up...that's what's life is all about, right?

Dinner was with the same family members, plus the parents. It was a "birthday dinner" since Chris's birthday is tomorrow. Our family birthday dinners have been becoming more and more sparce. Fayanne (whose birthday is Wednesday) is in Central Illinois, so she couldn't be here for her birthday dinner. I don't think we had on in December for Dave...though I suppose all the family time around Christmas can sort of count. For my birthday, I wasn't anywhere near town, so they may have just done it with Emily, but I'm not sure. That one may not have happened either. Even tonight, Mama overlooked inviting Dave and Katie, so how much of a family birthday dinner can it be, if everyone isn't even invited?

Today, I was gone from my computer for 12 hours...and nothing happened. I received no email nor IMs. Disappointing. Sundays are usually slow though...I'm sure things will pick up for tomorrow. Maybe?

Not sure what I'll do for the rest of tonight...but I have my new headphones, so I suppose I could watch a movie or TV show on DVD.

Current Music: Simple Together - Alanis Morissette

01/01/05, 3:02pm.
Can't you see my walls are crumbling...?
I don't know if this is necessarily the proper place for something like this. Indeed, I may end up taking it down, or not posting it at all. I'm just...stuck.

Listening to the Counting Crows song "Round Here," I realize that more and more I'm becoming the girl in the parking lot...my walls are crumbling, my foundation is gone. I feel like I'm reaching out to keep from falling, but there's no one around to grab my hand. I feel like there is absolutely nothing stable in my life right now...no person, no place, no thing that I can really cling to in order to stay afloat.

The girl on the car in the parking lot says she's tired of life. I can understand that. It's exhausting, especially when you realize you're in it entirely on your own. There's no one to walk hand-in-hand with you, or even to spot you in case you fall. There's no one there. I'm exhausted.

Having that said...I'm not sure if I should be posting this. I mean, it makes me sound rather desperate and insane. I guess I'm just unstable right now. Very unstable.

Current Music: Round Here - Counting Crows

01/01/05, 11:43am.
I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone...
So that was a year. Can't say that I miss it. Though I also can't say that I'm looking forward to the new one...

New Year's Eve party was so-so. I mean, there were good parts and there were bad parts. I suppose I don't have any rational complaints, so me and my irrational complaints will sit down and shut up.

I guess I don't have much else. Kinda disappointing for the first post of the new year...but maybe we put too much emphasis on firsts and lasts. We refuse to enjoy anything while it happens? We feel it unimportant? Either way, it's pretty skewed.

So that's that. My "big" plan for the day is doing laundry. Feel free to save me anytime...

Current Music: My Immortal - Evanescence