12/31/03, 10:25am.
I'm left counting the days while my life drifts away...
There are few things more disturbing than waking up from a horrible dream, with actual tears. Maybe the dream itself, but it's only a figment of your unconscious imagination. To actually be affected to tears by something that your mind made up, is pretty damn intense.

As was the dream. It started that we were shopping for a couple specific books...gifts or something. It was me and the parents. Of course there was argueing. Daddy was getting to the end of his ever-shortening rope, and Mommy was purposly pushing every button she could find. We finally find the books and go to check out and there's a long line. By the time we get to the cashier, they are having trouble with the computer. And then it's her time to go on break, and things keep happening to make it very difficult to just buy the items. Thus is the holiday shopping, eh?

I finally go off on my own and am able to purchase them without a problem. I go back to show the parents, but they are arguing about something, so I start to walk around the store, in a circle type thing, where there is art on the wall. The art starts to catch fire, and I keep walking to non-burning images. Eventually I get back to the beginning of the circle and everything is in flames. I get out and it turns out that the fire is in my house. It has spread over the entire first floor and I'm hoping that it hasn't gotten into the basement. The windows shatter from the pressure of the fire. I'm praying that my cat is alright and able to get out. When we were first getting out, I was with the parents and Chris, and she had her cell phone so she called 911. But by the time I got to the end of the driveway, I was alone and I collapsed to the ground in a fetal position and started crying hysterically.

There were some other odd happenings. It was Halloween and there were Trick-or-Treaters out. I remember thinking "oh, it's the 31st." And Teri Goldman (from across the street) brought over wine and turkey sandwiches. She said something about them being for the workers, and I realized that the people inside the house fighting the fire was the rest of my family (without me, of course) and some other neighbor people, like Mr. Goldman.

That was the end and I woke up crying. The tears have still left my eyes extremely dry. I should invest in some eye drops, or something. And the symbolism and messages in the dream were overly abundant. My connection to this house, my parents fighting, me being isolated from the rest of the family. A big ol' emotional roller coaster.

Now I'm going to lay down for a bit with my kitty.

:-(

Current Music: Walk Away - Bree Sharp

12/31/03, 1:54am.
I'd tell it to your face, but you lost your face along the way...
Wow. It's not only nearing the end of the month, but the end of the year. Don't know what to think about that. I guess a lot has happened in 2003, and most of it I'm not so sad to see go. I think the downs outnumbered the ups by quite a bit, not to mention the changes that I and almost everyone I know has been through. Making friends, losing friends. Changing homes, defining a "home." Keeping in touch, alienating people. The list could go on. It's been absolutely insane.

However, January is just around the corner. Which I am dreading so very much. I remember last January and the January before. And the first four months of the year are always the hardest for me. I guess it might help this year that I'm on the meds, but who can be sure, right? I guess I'll just have to hold my breath and wait for relief.

Tonight's parties were good. Nikki's was fun and entertaining and such. I left at a good time to head to Steph's which was also good. Saw a bunch of friends who are of the old type. Most two years older than myself. Some people that I didn't know, but a good group. Saw people like Eddie and Carly for the first time in what seems like forever. Nice times.

I'm tired now, and have a plan to get a lot sleep so tomorrow night (or, well tonight I guess) I can party hardy. We'll be ringing in the new year at Allie's house. I hope all goes well. I remember last New Year's all too well.

I'm far more tired than I had imagined. I'm having a hard time keeping my eyes focused. So I'm going to go wash my face and brush my teeth and lay myself down to sleep for several hours.

Goodnight moon.

Current Music: Hopeless - Train

12/29/03, 11:49pm.
Wild women do, but you think they'll never...
I want to redesign the website, but I don't know where to start. New colors, maybe. Plainer buttons. Something more simple, but slick and elegant. Not now though, not in the mood to do design.

Watching Three Men and a Little Lady. Zoe and I watched Three Men and a Baby earlier, and when Patty was over, we watched Black Hawk Down. Lots of movies lately.

Tomorrow, I have to do dishes, says daddy. And then there's the matter of getting an air mattress from Emily at work sometime before 3pm, and then tomorrow night there's Nikki's costume party first (the Diana Ross one) and then Steph's party is later. Busy day and busier night.

Then the next day is New Year's Eve. Crazy stuff! I think it'll be at Candace's? Oy...

Current Music: Wild Women Do - Natalie Cole

12/29/03, 1:15am.
You can't make your heart feel something it won't...
It's been a while. In that time, I've had my Christmas, which was pretty good. Lots of laughing and fun. Got clothes, houseware (for a potential apartment at school next year) and another couple sets of FiestaWare. Pretty...Cobalt Blue and Tangerine. Also have $75 to Old Navy.

Got slightly tipsy at dinner last night, but then sobered up for our late-night trip to Target with the sisters. We came back and played the new Trivial Pursuit DVD Pop Culture. Hot stuff...I was the closest to winning when at the end we called it a draw because it was 1am.

Today was a bit dull, then I went to visit Candace, who is broken. And Zoe came over too and we talked a bit, then Zoe and I went to dinner at the Olive Garden, to Showplace to see "Something's Gotta Give" which was actually better than I was expecting. Diane Keaton looks great for her age. I would have stayed with Keanu, but whatever. It was cute and VERY feel-good. I haven't seen a good romantic comedy in a while. Then Zoe came back here and we watched GoldenEye, which is always a favorite. Sean Bean! Mmmm....hotness. And so evil.

So now, I'm sleepy and it's kinda late. And I was up until 4am last night, because after Trivial Pursuit, I decided to watch Eddie Izzard's "Definite Article" and then Four Weddings and a Funeral. Mmm...Americanized British comedy!

Now, bedtime. And hope for warm, fuzzy feelings again soon. Dammit, where did I lose my Wish Bear? I need a Care Bear hug right now.

Current Music: I Can't Make You Love Me - Bonnie Raitt

12/26/03, 5:57pm.
She says the bible is all that she reads, prefers that I not use profanity...
So I'm an idiot and realized that I could have gotten my grades online a while ago. So I checked it out...3.76. Not bad, but I'm still a bit disappointed. Then again, it takes a lot to make me really happy with myself and my work. I could probably have gotten a 4.0 and I would find something that was wrong with it. Oy. 3 A's, 2 A-'s and one B+. Be happy, you overachiever, under-worker.

Today, I did not see all the films that I had set out to view. I did, however, have lunch with Patty before he went off to Iowa. John, Nikki and Nikki's friend from school also showed up, so that was nifty as well.

Now, I'm waiting because in a little over a half-hour I'm picking up Miss Molly and Johnson to see Lost in Translation. I'm uber excited because it's supposed to be FABULOUS.

Everyday I become more and more in love with the idea of film, media and majoring in that field. I just adjusted my schedule to drop the theatre stagecraft class I was waitlisted for, and added a second film class. Now, I have 3 gen ed courses (math, English and French), an art history, and two media (Hollywood II and my newly added Advertising and Consumer Culture). No theatre. No plans to audition for a play or tech a show. We'll see though. I could do something for University Players, but I'll have 18 credits of classes so I might be pretty busy. I want to bust my ass this semester and have something great to show for it. And then I should be pretty much finished with general education requirements.

Ahh, school. Something I don't have to worry about for another couple weeks. Though I did have a dream about it a bit last night. All I remember is dreading going to my Tuesday/Thursday choir and then being very happy that I had not decided to continue it this semester. No more singing for Gail. Oh well.

And now I get ready for the movie. Opa.

Current Music: Comfortable - John Mayer

12/26/03, 2:15am.
I'm left here counting the days while my life drifts away...
Today was an unorthodox Christmas in many ways. No presents, no big deal or special holiday feelings. But it wasn't too bad anyhow.

Dinner was fabulous, family was alright. I'm really excited for Saturday when it's just my immediate family. That will be good.

The good news is that I was home by 8:30, so Mulder came over and we watched Monster's Ball, which was very good. It's odd, because it's so different. At first I thought I didn't like it, because it was just too anti-climatic. Example: a main conflict never occurs, a huge changing point doesn't happen. Things are gradual and unresolved. Then I realized that that is the realism that makes this such a fabulous film and that the climaxes (no pun intended) are the sex scenes because those are about escape and coexistence that is at the pinnacle. As James Berardinelli says in a review on his site [http://movie-reviews.colossus.net/]: "The sex in this movie is not a precursor to love; it is a means by which two people can find temporary refuge from their otherwise bleak existences. An orgasm is an effective way to wipe away everything else, if only for a few moments."

Then Lewis came over, and the three of us watched Reality Bites, which despite being a great movie, cannot hold a candle to the thought and filmmaking intention of Monster's Ball.

And now, I'm tired. So I'm getting rest before tomorrow. Possibly seeing some movies (RotK? House of Sand and Fog? 21 Grams?). Possibly seeing Miss Molly as well as others. Possibly doing a lot of things. And for that, I must be rested.

Current Music: Walk Away - Bree Sharp

12/25/03, 1:38am.
Don't want nobody to follow me, except maybe you...
Merry Christmas!

Candle-light church service took way too long. Yucky. And I definitely got wax on my fingers. Was very RENT. ;-)

I'm not feeling so good now. Came home, walked inside and felt dizzy and my tummy was not so happy.
My thoughts:
1) That stupid bread dipped in grape juice must be toxic!
2) I better not be catching what Zoe had...
3) Maybe carbonation from Diet Cherry Coke will make it feel better. It's kinda like Ginger Ale.
4) AHHH! The spaghetti I made had Mad Cow Disease meat!!

So I'm hoping that in the morning I feel better.

Today, I went to Starbuck's with Whitney, where I had a very good Gingerbread Latte and chatted with her for about an hour. Then I headed over to Barnes and Noble, where I picked up Roger Ebert's The Great Movies, which I had been checking out on amazon.com earlier. Was disappointed in B&N's film section...so when I got home, I ordered The New York Times Guide to the Best 1,000 Movies Ever Made as well as Fargo on DVD, so that my order would qualify for free shipping. Yes, I am the dumbass that they make those promotions for. I will spend $15 more so that I don't have to pay $4 in shipping. Don't even try to figure it out, I don't quite understand it myself...

Anyway, those are all Christmas presents to myself. I'm really feeling more and more passionate about film and film studies, so I want to start reading up independent of the classes I'll be taking at school.

I wish there really was a Santa coming, to bring me the gifts that I want, but haven't expressed, and it would be a surprise to me and my parents, who wouldn't have to buy them. And it would be like when I was young and gullible.

*sigh* Happy Christmas to all, and to all a good night.

Current Music: Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco

12/24/03, 1:57pm.
The orcs and lamb kept time, par-rup-a-pum-pum...
Uhhh....ox. I meant ox. ;-)

Merry Christmas Eve!

Might be going out to Starbucks and maybe making a Jewel and Dominick's run in search of Jingles. Mmm...cookies! Though now their called "Santa's Favorites" but that means nothing to me.

And maybe around 3:30 I'll be starting spaghetti dinner. Ahh...good stuff.

Current Music: Little Drummer Boy

12/23/03, 11:57pm.
Look at me losing control, thinking I had it all...
Okay, so if I liked Return of the King the first time I saw it, then this time was practically orgasmic. 12 TIMES BETTER!!! It's just so damn good. Gah. Incredible.

Zoe just called to ditch me for our girl talk tonight. Oh well, we can always do it tomorrow. And I didn't want to put on pants anyway! Plus, I'm a little tired. All that Viggo will really take it out of a girl.

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, of course. And I'll be making spaghetti for dinner. Just because I want to. Opa!

And now, I do some slacking before bed.

Current Music: For You - Tracy Chapman

12/23/03, 2:06pm.
Do you believe in life after love...?
Why do I have Cher in my head, you may ask? Well, I just got my invitation to Nikki's party, a 70's murder mystery featuring celebrities of the time. "Bruce Leap," "Gloria Stunnem," "Andy Warthog" and yes, even "Sunny and Share." Hee hee. I will be the part of "Diana Rush." "Costume suggestions: Glittering dress, platform shoes, lots of jewelry, Sony Walkman." Oh, the possibilities! And replace Walkman with iPod. Sheesh! ;-)

Now I must download Diana Ross and the Supreme's songs so that I can be well prepared for my character. Maybe try some method acting and Meisner approach. *is geeky*

Diet Coke with Lemon tastes like ASS. Eww. Imagine Diet Coke plus some lemon scented dishwashing soap. Gross.

Tonight, I'm in charge of planning stuff. So I'm thinking, Chipotle for dinner followed by a viewing of Return of the King. Mmm...yummy. And less than $10! I rock the sandbox.

Last night, we watched Super Troupers, always a favorite. "Liter is French for 'GIVE ME SOME FUCKING COLA!'" And then Catch Me If You Can, which was very good and very different than I had imagined. Tom Hanks remains one of my newest idols for being able to act, direct, produce, and all other aspects of filmmaking. The more I think about it, the most I believe that film studies is the major I want. Theatre is just so...hard to get into, I feel. Not that filmmaking is any easier, but I feel like there are more opportunities. And it seems more fun to me now.

Anywho, so that's what's new with me. Exciting life as always. Maybe I'll go watch Life As a House. Sick child is sleeping off the last of her illness. Poor sugar.

Current Music: Believe - Cher (in head)

12/22/03, 4:11pm.
It's the hap- happiest season of all...
You know all those made-for-TV movies about "the Christmas that almost wasn't" or people who lose faith in the holiday spirit and all that jazz? Well, this year kind of feels like The Christmas That Wasn't.

Christmas has always been my favorite holiday. I love finding the perfect gift for people, and opening presents, and being with my family. I remember when I was little, and all 7 of us lived in the same house, and I would wake up so early on Christmas morning and sit in the living room, just in awe at all the presents Santa had brought. 6am, sitting on the couch in a dark living room, staring at the dimly lit tree. Mommy would come in and let me open one small thing, because we had a rule that we couldn't wake up the older kids until 8 or 9am.

Eventually people started to move out. Chris got married, Annette moved in, Dave moved out, Emily moved out. They have since both been married. A couple years ago, Fayanne and I were the only two left in the house, and we'd have to wait for Dave and Katie, Emily and Tom, and Chris and Zoe to come over before we could open presents and have breakfast.

This year, it's only me at home. Chris and Zoe have their own Christmas morning, and the others are all on their own as well. Fayanne is with Brad's family, etc. This year, our "Christmas" for my immediate family is on Saturday. Two days after Christmas, we'll have our family gift exchange. Which is now done through a drawing names system so that instead of 12 gifts, I only had to get 5 (parents, kids and one of the siblings). So my "Santa" gifts will wait until then as well. All of which I know. Because I go shopping for my own Christmas presents.

Somehow Christmas has become skewed. And not-so-Christmas-like. Oh well...

Current Music: Most Wonderful Time of the Year (in head)

12/22/03, 2:05pm.
Sleigh bells ring, are you listenin'...?
Good times yesterday. Didn't see Return of the King...soon though. Instead, I went shopping and played Settlers with Patty and Candace. Then we got ready for our Fazoli's trip. 8 people, good turn out...Candace, Zoe, Molly, Johnson, Laura, Cark, new freshman Brianna, and me. Good food, good fun. After, all save the Potempa's went to Blockbuster to rent movies and came back to my house. We watched Interview With the Vampire and I took some of the young kids home around midnight. Zoe and Laura stuck around and when I got back, we watched The Italian Job, which I actually slept through. Zoe took Laura home and I went to bed around 2 after the movie was over. We still have 3 more movies, Bad Boys II which is due tomorrow at noon. So we'll just have to watch that today!

Today, I'm stuck home with my niece, who is sick. Poor baby. We've been watching cartoons and playing games. Once she takes a nap, I can shower and nap myself. Mmm...good stuff.

Current Music: Winter Wonderland - Ella Fitzgerald

12/21/03, 2:06am.
Hey, stay love. Where you going to...?
Life tonight has been good. Uneventful up until 9-ish, when I went over to Becca's to chat with her a bit and bid her farewell on her cruise. I hadn't heard from Zoe or Nikki, who were sitting shiva for the Hoffman's grandfather, so I called Amanda to see what was going on with the movie. She and I decided to start heading to the cinema. By the time I picked up Amanda, they had called and we met up with them at the movie.

It was good. Cute, fun, smart. Makes me proud to be an art history minor. ;-)

Tomorrow is LotR: Return of the King with sister Chris and the kids. Very excited. I've been itching to see it again all week. Becca and I were gushing about it like two little schoolgirls earlier tonight. Can't. Wait.

Then tomorrow night, Candace, Zoe and I are doing our traditional "abduct the youngins and take them to Fazoli's in Kenosha" run. Stealing Johnson, Molly, and one (or more) of their freshmen. Maybe some others in between as well. Either way, I'm uber excited.

So things are good. And boys continue to mystify my mind. If anyone figures them out, do tell. Please!

Current Music: Hey Love - Jason Mraz

12/20/03, 7:15pm.
I could make you happy, you know, if you weren't already...
Crew Break Party yesterday. Much fun was had. Hung with kids both young and old. Mary, Lindsay, Bridgette, Jenny, Steph and Elliott all came back, hadn't seen most of them since summer or before. And I still love my high school kids. So all was peachy.

Today hasn't been quite so impressive. Woke up. Hung around. Napped. Went to lunch with Patty. Played Nintendo. And that's been the last 9+ hours. It's alright though, because at 10:20, we're going to see Mona Lisa Smile.

Current Music: Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco

12/19/03, 12:17am.
Now I'm restless and I'm running from everything...
Today went surprisingly well. Alumni Day was uber fun and I got to see a bunch of people, but high school and kids my own age, which was really nice. And I got to hang out with Eric, whom I haven't really spoken to in ages. I also got to talk a bit with Mr. Lynn and Huff, and very briefly with Mrs. Akers.

After school, we went to Starbucks with Molly, Johnson, Whitney, Becca, Mulder, Candace and a couple friends of Whitney's. It was very good times, but all the kids have school still tomorrow, so it was pretty brief.

Then of course there was the obligatory nap after having a full day of "classes" and school stuff. Woke up at 8, got a bit organized and people hung out at Allie's. I was rather cracked out, and I think I've been intaking far too much caffeine. Hmm...perhaps it's time to quit again. Well, it's been a good 4 weeks of soda consumpution, I think I can go another few years without.

Now I'm home and debating what to do until bed. I might actually watch LotR: The Two Towers because while the extended edition is so much better, I only have the regular one, and I watched Fellowship last night. It all makes much sense in my head.

Tomorrow is crew break party and who know's what else. Exciting stuff.

Current Music: Ticket to Heaven - 3 Doors Down

12/18/03, 1:01am.
And I donít think I can look at this the same...
I should probably sleep, but I can't.

Chorus and Orchestra Concert tonight was soooo good. I miss Chorale and Mrs. Akers so much. And so many people that I wish I was still in school with. All the Seniors this year that I know and love. Oy, it makes me miss the past.

There was also a lot about high school I didn't like, so maybe if I remember those things, I won't be so anxious...

I'm kind of in a strange place right now. I'm liking being home. I'm loving seeing everyone again. But I don't really want to be here. I don't want to be back at school either. I don't actually want to be anywhere at all. Maybe it's just this odd period of transitioning from school to home, where I don't quite fit back in either place. I don't belong at high school anymore, but that's all I've done for the past 4 years. I lived at that school, and so did my friends. And now what is keeping us together, if we don't have the institution to bring us together and force us into shared experiences. But if we drift apart, what to we have left here? Family? Is that all that binds us to this town?

Perhaps this is why I'm trying so hard to stick with some of my friends who are still in high school. I love Becca, Whitney, Molly and everyone else...but maybe there's another reason. They are still stable. They have lives that haven't changed drastically yet. They still have the routine. They still have all their old friends and see them everyday. And I envy them that.

I didn't think a drift would happen so quickly. And maybe it's just a little right now, and maybe I'm the only one feeling it...but what about this summer? What about next winter break or next summer? Two years out of Deerfield and two years to build bonds with college friends. And what happens here? I take the summer as a time to work, or travel or take a summer course, and abandon "friends" entirely?

Two and a half years ago, I was a sophomore, sitting around with my group of senior friends, so jealous that they would be going to college, and wanting nothing more to leave too. Without them, life here would be dull. I see the same anxiety that I felt in Molly. But what happened to that group? The first summer they came home, everything was almost normal. I still saw them a lot and few had tremendous attachments to school yet. This past summer, I barely saw any of them...maybe only a handful of times all four months they were home. And they don't seem to be hanging out with each other much either. So in two years, this is what I have to look forward to? No friends, missing school, alienating myself from everyone else, and being alienated in return?

Too many questions that I don't currently have answers to, and it makes me restless. I don't know what to do or what to say. I don't know who to hang out with or how to talk to people anymore. Even the people I hung out with the most this summer seem to have ditched me, so to speak, and it's upset my whole basis of what "home" is and who I can turn to. Where are my friends? What is a friend?

I should get to bed. Early day tomorrow, talking about college to Junior and Senior English classes and having panel discussions with faculty groups. Alumni Day already. Damn, time flies.

Current Music: Here Without You - 3 Doors Down

12/17/03, 6:42pm.
Oh but in case I stand one little chance, here comes the jackpot question in advance...
I have been so productive today! Bought a Home Depot Gift Card for my uncle, a Kohl's Gift Card for my brother in law, two Toys R Us Gift Cards for my niece and nephew. AND! I went down to the Apple Store to get Justin's new iPod.

And I only spent $145. Oy, I'm glad that's over with.

And tonight I'm going to the Winter Chorus and Orchestra Concert at DHS, which will rock so hard and I get to be social and see everyone!

I don't think I've said it enough...I'm really glad to be home. But I do miss school too, and to prove that...here are some fantastic pictures of our roadtrip to Evansville. Good times. :-)

Current Music: What Are You Doing New Year's Eve? - Vonda Shepard

12/17/03, 3:47am.
She said life's a lot to think about sometimes...
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

Alright, so I was sitting at dinner, thinking to myself...I can't wait for Friday to see Return of the King. Because I won't be able to handle people talking about it. Even if they don't tell me anything, I don't want to be influenced by their "it's good" or "it sucked." So I decided to go on Fandango, order myself a $10 ticket to one of the four 12:01am showing at Regal, and I went by myself. It was the first time I'd gone to a movie by myself. Not too bad.

And I'm not going to say anything else, because I don't want to spoil it for people like me, who don't like to be influenced at all before seeing a movie. Then again, I'm a bit weird.

Current Music: The Road I'm On - 3 Doors Down

12/16/03, 3:31pm.
Hell yeah, turn it up...
I'm home again!!!!! And so very excited. The trip home was good. Things went smoothly, no car problems, very little traffic. We left at 10:30am EST, and got through Indy by 11:30. We were crossing the state line by about 1:30, which was actually 12:30pm CST. It took another two hours to drop Lela off and get home. It probably could have taken just a little over 1 hour, but her aunt's house is a bit out of the way, and not accessible by highways.

The good part is that I'm home though. And my kitty remembers me and loves me. And I got my iTrip in the mail. And tomorrow night is the Winter Choral Concert. And Thursday is Alumni Day, and Friday is the Crew Break Party. So I'll be at school a lot this week, ironically enough.

I'm tired, because I was up at 6am...that's 10 hours! And my final this morning was less than excellent. So it's about time I get a chance to relax.

Lord of the Rings: Return of the King opens tonight at midnight. But I won't be going because I don't have a ticket. *sigh* Maybe I'll go tomorrow sometime. Alone. Sad, but oh well. I neeeeeeeed to see it! And I'm going Friday with Becca and company, but I can't wait until FRIDAY! for god's sake.

Anywho. Naptime.

Current Music: Hell Yeah - Montgomery Gentry (on CMT...Daddy's watching TV)

12/14/03, 3:06am.
So to honor him, par-rup-a-pum-pum, when we come...
Quick update, while I break momentarily from studying for my media final...



Hee hee. I think my favorite part is the furry, Hobbit-feet stockings. Or maybe the dark riders on the reindeer. Good stuff. TUESDAY NIGHT!!! Not that I'm going...but oh well. Sometime.

Current Music: Little Drummer Boy - Bob Segar

12/13/03, 4:11am.
The clock on the wall has been stuck at three for days...
So much to bitch about. Because that's the mood I'm in.

I'm unhappy currently to the point of tears. But I refuse to cry because I'm in the presence of others. Whom I am futily blocking from my life with cheap white iPod earphones. It seems ironic, but I can't tell why.

I've again been the dumbass that I am, and stayed up until 7am last night, when I knew damn-well that I had to wake up at 11:30 for class. I can't keep getting 4 hours of sleep. My body won't take it. I have to learn to just be reasonable and not stay up so late.

To top that off, Chad has fucking strep throat. And since he and Katie have done nothing but makeout for the past two days straight, I can almost guarantee you that she has it too. And since I'm her roommate, and his friend, and on this floor, we all share everything from drinks to shower shoes, I'm exiling myself to the common room to write this to spend the least amount of time with her as possible. Unlike the two of them who have no finals...I have 3 large tests and 2 papers in the next 3 and a half days. I CANNOT GET SICK. I won't. Especially not with strep. I just started getting healthy and caught up with sleep and shit after the exhaustion that lead my mother to think I had mono. And right away, I'm not only in the path of another bout of exhaustion, but I have strep throat looming.

To top it all off, we tried to play Trivial Pursuit tonight, and it was a disaster because the not-so-intellegent people were uninterested, but refused to leave the game anyway, and it was loud, and I was uncomfortable and often yelled at people. At home, we played because we value knowledge and like to win. Here I think they would rather play Go Fish. [This generalization obviously doesn't apply to all.]

So all this bitchiness and bad feelings that I have currently confirm the fact that I'm going to be dependent on these damn anti-depressants for another couple months, because skipping two days makes me an emotional hose-beast who yells at people for not playing Trivial Pursuit seriously. It would be nice to be in control of my own life sometimes....

I guess there were a couple good points today. Last day of classes...mostly review for the finals which made me a little more confident in art, made me realize what I have to study for French and make me hope that there are no huge twists in the content for the media exam. What I need right now, other than a bunch of hugs by my friends who I love and miss from home, would be a really good end to the semester. I'm really worried that my grades have begun to slip after I realized that I was doing fairly well at the midterms. I know hoping for a 4.0 when I know I'm not putting in "4.0 effort" is a lofty goal, but I want it so badly. Snowball's chance in hell, I know.

Oh, and tonight, I took a mini-road trip with Lela, Annie and Carl to pick up my car from my cousin's house in Indy. It's all pretty and fixed and running as well as it ever did. Which is good enough for having 102,000 miles on it. Poor Baby. Not to mention that after picking up the car, we had dinner at Olive Garden. Oh, it was orgasmic. In all, only a 5 hour trip with a bunch of laughs and good times.

Busy times ahead this weekend, but hopefully all will be good. And I'm back home in 3 and a half days. I can't express my excitement, really. I need to go home. And a month sounds entirely too good to be true right now. A lot of people are saying how they don't want to go home, but I think that they are incredibly nuts. Either that or have shitty friends and family who they aren't overly anxious to see. I miss mine.

Current Music: 3am Piano Acoustic Version - Matchbox 20

12/10/03, 1:09am.
She says she's tired of life, she must be tired of something...
Therapeutic exercise at 1am.

Things I like:
- Rain
- Quiet
- Deep conversations
- Drinking water
- Close friends
- Intimate gatherings
- Wishes
- Pennies
- Italian food
- Soup
- Sleeping
- Smell of soap
- Candlelight
- Family
- My cat
- Soft glow of Christmas lights
- Sad songs
- Newspapers
- Sunday morning smell of coffee
- Napping on couches
- Beautiful movies
- Learning
- Froggy
- Photos or paintings of landscapes
- Stars
- Desire
- Hugs
- Being an individual
- Knowing who I am.

Current Music: 'Round Here - Counting Crows

12/09/03, 10:44pm.
It's late in the evening, she's wondering what clothes to wear...
Still sick. Blarg. I'll definitely be going to bed soon, before my nose explodes. I've been sneezing like it's my job.

Dear god, I need to get me home. With people who are sane, or can at least pretend to be before 4am. It's odd, the later we are up, the more normal we become. Perhaps that's why I'm up so late all the time. I like normalness. Or something, I guess.

Meh, tonight could be better. Between the porn, and the drama, and the loudness. So much icky feelings. Personal problem, I suppose. I should be used to the floor by now. It's probably because I'm sick.

Current Music: Wonderful Tonight - Eric Clapton

12/09/03, 2:22pm.
Too bad you had to have a better half...
So I wrote my mom about me being sick...and she thinks it might be mono. For the record, I have not been making out with any strange people...or any people at all for that matter. So, there.

And while I'm not as much of a hypochondriac as Katie, I am very achy, especially in my back, and my throat hurts...not sore so much as just swollen. And I'm just so tired. I definitely slept until 1pm today, after not waking up for my two morning classes today. We'll see if I can make it to acting. But I really have to, since we have to perform our final scene on Thursday.

Gah, this is the worst time to be sick. My final week of classes, and having to study for 3 tests and write a paper. All in a week. Because at this time in exactly one week, I'll be done and driving myself home.

Oy. Katie's making me soup for lunch. I *heart* my roommate.

Current Music: Untouchable Face - Ani DiFranco

12/09/03, 3:18am.
And still I feel I said too much, my silence is my self-defense...
Gratuitous lyrics post before bed.

So I would choose to be with you
That's if the choice were mine to make
But you can make decisions too
And you can have this heart to break.

Current Music: And So it Goes - Billy Joel

12/09/03, 3:04am.
I am watching your chest rise and fall like the tides...
I should be in bed. I was going to go to sleep at 9:45. Then Lela, Sam and Justin were pow-wowing in my room. And then one thing lead to another and before I know it, I'm sitting at 3am, updating my site while blowing my red and sore nose while listening to bitter Ani songs. Oy.

I don't know if I'll be making it to my history class tomorrow morning. I really don't care enough about it anymore. Not that I have recently, but whatever.

I'm incoherent and still sick as a dog. Bedtime times 12.

Current Music: Both Hands - Ani DiFranco

12/08/03, 3:50pm.
I'm in a New York state of mind...
I'm sick.

I hate being sick. I'm exhausted and my nose won't stop running. I feel like crap. I can't concentrate in classes. I get dizzy all the time. All I want to do is sleep. Obviously, my body is catching up with me.

But it's the week before finals. I need to be able to study long nights, and finish papers and cram. I can't do that if reading a sentence makes me fall asleep.

So I'm drinking V8-Splash, with 260% of my daily Vitamin C. And taking my vitamins, another 100% of my vitamin C intake. It's a damn-good thing Vitamin C is water soluble and not fat soluble, or I'd be worried about overdosing.

And after I take some Advil, I'll be napping until my media screening tonight. We're watching American Beauty, which I've already seen, so if I happen to doze off, it won't be the end of the world. BOOO.

Current Music: New York State of Mind - Billy Joel

12/06/03, 11:20pm.
She's taken my heart and she doesn't know what she's done...
Long time without an update. Probably because I've been busy as hell lately. And it might just have something to do with the fact that I've been staying up very late and getting very little sleep. 7am Thursday night, 8:30am last night. I think I was only up until 5am on Wednesday, but I had to wake up at 8:30 for class. And the past two days, I've had to be up by 11:30am. So basically, I've gotten 12 hours of sleep in the past 4 days.

Needless to say, I'm exhausted.

Can't wait for this week of classes to be over. Then 3 final exams and a paper. And I'm home by 5pm next Tuesday. Sweet.

And now, I'm going to bed. Reason for this is rather self-explanitory.

Current Music: She's Like the Wind - Patrick Swayze

12/02/03, 1:27pm.
When will I learn to let someone in...?
Blatantly stealing this from Patty, but I think it's interesting. World's Smallest Political Quiz.

My results:


Current Music: Hopeless - Sister Hazel

12/02/03, 1:42am.
Stay love, where you running to...?
Long day. And longer night. I can't believe it's only 1:42. It should be about 4am at this point. Damn.

Debating whether or not to go to bed. Because if I don't, I could try to do homework. And I'd continue to be in a conversation with Alyss, Annie and Lela. But homework is boo. And I might not even go to class. Because I hate it that much. SOOOO much.

I'm boring. Bye.

Current Music: Hey Love - Jason Mraz

12/01/03, 3:49pm.
As weeks went by it showed that she was not fine...
Rabbit, rabbit. Although I didn't remember to say it this morning when I woke up. However, this also means that November posts are now linked at the bottom of the page and I have, essentially a clean slate to work with for this page. I love when there's so little on it. It makes me happy.

I kinda want to re-do my site. Total rehaul. Something more slick, while remaining cool, semi-colorful and unique. I love the magazine montage type of lettering for the header, etc. but it seems really...juvenial? Meh, it's just getting old. I want something a little more timeless.

My car is sick. Yesterday, while driving about 45 minutes outside of Indy, the "check gauges" light went on, and I realized that the water temperature of my engine was as the very red bad area of 260. So we pulled off at a rest stop to see if it would go down. And it did...but once we moved again, it went right back up. So I called daddy and he called my cousin Ken from Indy and we pulled over again...which didn't help. Finally, we stopped in a GasAmerica in Lebanon, Indiana where my car resided last night, and may possibly still reside right now. Luckily, I had Ken to pick up Lela and I and bring us back to Bloomington, and he'll also be taking care of the car.

*sigh* So Baby is broken. And I'm still carless in Bumbleton...errr...Bloomington. And I have so much work to do before finals. Two papers to write and three tests to study for. Boo. I should go do work. Or catch up on sleep. Buh.

Current Music: Brick - Ben Folds